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I’m a believer

April 12, 2021
This entry is about me. Because for the first time in my life, I'm emotionally alone. It's the most sickening feeling in the world to hear the person you love the most say "maybe we should break up." After 14 years of believing his love was unconditional, I'm on kinda shaky ground right now. This...
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Recent Entries

  • The devil made me do it
    March 3, 2021
    Stop beating myself up? I think I'm done doing that and now I just want to isolate and lick my self inflicted wounds. My lover said stop beating yourself up. So, I'm not going to do it out loud any longer. I will find a quiet spot and ponder. I did that once. Then I…
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  • The girl you don’t take home to Mother.
    March 3, 2021
    I have finally felt something I have not felt in a long time. Shame. I did the same thing to my lover that he did to me. I wish I hadn't. It could easily be the biggest mistake of my life. When he did it, I ripped him to shreds. I was so angry that…
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  • Playing dirty is for cowards
    March 1, 2021
    My Lover has always told me that if I wanted to, I could have another man in bed.One with a bigger penis or more stamina or whatever he thinks I'm missing out on. I can say in all honesty that I never felt like I wanted to cheat or needed anything other than him. There…
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  • Time for a dashboard Jesus
    March 1, 2021
    I am not defending my behavior, but in the past three months, I've had a seemingly heavy load of stress. Maybe it isn't the typical stress your average person has, but right now, my life feels like the makings of a bad country song. I don't want to complain because I love being a mostly…
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  • Mind reader
    March 1, 2021
    My lover treated me to a beautiful weekend and I drank too much and copped a bit of an attitude. I guess I was bossy and demanding sexually. I thwarted his efforts to sexually please me and then got pissed at him for not reciprocating promptly enough. He didn't deserve my treatment and I usually&...
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  • Row, row, row your boat
    March 1, 2021
    These next few entries may be the hardest ones I've written yet.  After my lover cheated, I was numb. It didn't just hurt. It was crushing. My self esteem and sexuality and everything I ever loved about myself is now in question. There is now a memory burned into my mind that I cannot erase…
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  • Daydream Believer
    March 1, 2021
    In my mind, I live a different life. I close my eyes and live in a world where every color is rich like velvet and so bright it hurts your eyes. The grass is like a  deep lush carpet that covers my toes. The ground underneath the grass is cool and damp, and mother nature…
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  • Addicted to love
    February 22, 2021
    When I learned about the other "other" woman, the defense my lover offered up was that he feared he had a sex addiction. I panicked, because an addiction means it is likely to happen again, as does the general pattern of his behavior. I poo poo'd the sex addiction thing as just lip service to&hel...
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  • Be careful what you wish for
    February 19, 2021
    Ok, you said you wanted every angry entry, to know why every tear was shed, why every idea was dismissed or acted on, what wounds I carry and who I cannot forgive. The most sacred of all the things you will become privy to are my hopes and my fears.   If you run away from…
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