Monday 4/4/22

8:00am The cord and charger to my new tablet was stolen yesterday. I always keep it plugged in by the sink. When I went to charge my tablet last night that I found out that it was gone. They think it might of accidentally thrown out by the cleaning lady. I think something took it. How in the heck couldn’t something like that been throne out by accident? In any case the nursing home is going to replace it. Thank God I have a back up.

I was really upset about this. Ii don’t know why they have to mess with my stuff. I just thought that about a month ago. I still have the tablet but it seems is not much good without a charger. I’m going to talk to someone n I about this today I will do this when I pay my rent.

Other than that I had a good evening. I had pizza, cucumber salad and veggie soup for supper. I was able to use the old tablet tank God. I read one chapter in my book The Fox and the Lion by James MacGregor Burns. I read the chapter on the 1936 election. it was a landslide for Roosevelt and the Democrats. I wanted to read another chapter but got tired and sleepy.

I didn’t get to bed until 11:30 last night. I was pretty tired but couldn’t sleep. I was wound up about the charger. I got to thinking about it and thinking t about it. The more I thought about it the madder I got. Then arthritis pain acted up. It was a four on a one to five scale. Then I had a few incontinence episodes but could not get changed.

Aids let me sleep in until six. I had a nice aid this morning. She got me cleaned up and into my wheelchair. I was still pretty tired. I tried to sleep until breakfast. I had an egg sandwich and hot cereal for breakfast. Then I had one coffee and one glass of oj. It was enough to perk me up.

I’m up and faced with another day. I got to pay my rent today. Oh hope I still have enough on my card for rent. I went overboard on books? I bought a couple more books on the Vietnam War. I should be ok though.im not worried about it.

10:45am I made a couple phone calls. First, to Capitol One. I have $511 left on my card. Rent is $481.00 So I have more than enough plus money left over? Then I called the front office. Lady in billing wasn’t in today. I will have to pay the rent tomorrow.

But I’ve been sleeping in my wheelchair most of the morning. I tried to read but got too tired. I felt kind of depressed. I just got a SS check of $871.00  last Friday. I bought at least seventeen books over the weekend. I just have enough money to pay my rent then I will be almost broke again. I got to thinking I wasted my money. I probably will never read most of those books. Now that I think about it  I feel that I could have put that money to better use such as buying clothes.

Then I thought about the missing charger. I started to get mad all over again.i felt sick because I bought a couple audiobooks. The old tablet doesn’t support audiobooks. Also what if they can’t find a charger adaptable to the new tablet? They tried to charge it in the nurses station last night but it would not charge. I started to worry that I will be stuck with a tablet that doesn’t work. Thinking about this made me angry and  depressed.

Then I havent been able to talk with Chocolatechip. I called her when I woke up. She said she would call back but never did. I called again after breakfast and got the same message. I called again. On her landline and call. I left a message. I wonder if she is pissed at me? She said something about having a doctor’s appointment. She was probably busy getting ready for it. Still, she could of talked to me for a few minutes. Started wondering about this and got very depressed. I miss not talking to her.

Today is National Beer Day. They will celebrate buy serving beer along with snacks in the Fiesta room. I do not have to drink alcohol but I can go anyways. Perhaps socializing a bit will help life the depressed spirits.

4:30pm The day is moving along. I had Salisbury steak, scalloped mixed potatoes, mixed veggies for lunch. I got had two cups of hot coffee and and a glass of fruit punch for drinks Lunch was good and I ate it all. But it did not put me in a better mood.

I got a bout of depression and it stayed with me all afternoon. I was upset over several things. What bothered me the most was complete lack of care. I had a few incontinence episodes around lunch time. I dared not ring the call light because Mean Bitch was on duty. She is the one female aid who definitely does not like me. So I was sitting in urine for a couple hrs until the nice aid came in to check on me. She changed me without any problems.

Also thought about the missing charger. The nursing home is not doing anything about it or so it seems. This played on my mind all day. I wanted to talk to the Social Worker but she wasn’t in today. I thought why is it whenever I have a problem nobody is around to help? I kept thinking on this and thinking on this and it made me very depressed and tired.

I finally talked with Chocolatechip. She did go out this morning. She had a physical therapy appointment at WMC. It was for her right wrist. I asked how that went but she didn’t have much to say about it. She did say she had to go to the bank this afternoon and was going to take the 1:30 bus.

I did read my book about FDR The Fox and the Lion. I am on chapter fifteen. This chapter is about Roosevelt’s court packing scene.it is interesting but I’m having trouble concentrating. I would read a few pages then fall asleep in my chair.i I kept thinking about the days events and how shitty things seem to be. But I will get back to my reading. Perhaps I will feel better after supper.

For supper I’m having a hot turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes and jello for desert. I could use some coffee right now so I hope to get two cups of hot coffee. I’ll probably eat it all because I’m getting hungry

7:30pm Depression got me today and would not let go. In addition I felt so friggin lonesome. I hardly talked with anyone all day. I did not chat with Chocolatechip all that much. That made me even more depressed. In addition nobody came to take me to that social event. I really wanted to get out of my room and try to mix with people.

I never could mix well . I was a loner all my life. Since books have always been my best friends I very seldom knew what loneliness felt like. But I knew it today. I just wanted to be around people. I was looking forward to getting out of my room and going to the party. Perhaps I thought I might meet some former residents of OT who are here. I thought I could actually talk with someone in person. I really wanted ,no needed, that today.

8:57 pm I’m starting to worry about this old tablet. Battery is at 87% capacity. It has been charging for an hour. I hope I can get enough juice in this thing tso I can use it tomorrow. Itseemms the power will not go up to a hundred percent. In fact, it is going down now to 86%. This tablet gives me access to my books and OD. I will go crazy without it.

I havent started to read yet . I’ve been out in the hall. I asked the nurse for a pbj sandwiches. She fixed it for me plus gave me two cookies. That was very nice of you I said

It is 9:00pm. I’ve been in this wheelchair for sixteen hours. I’m askinging myself is this anyway to live? What am I really getting out of life? Will my condition ever improve so I can live on my own? If not what is the point of prolonging this excuse of a life. After all sitting in a wheelchair all damned day is not living. sometimes I wish it would end soon.

I’ve been asking myself these questions while out in the hall. I try my best not to let negative thoughts like these enter my mind. Once they do they take over and I forget about the good things. I only see the glass half empty. This is what happens when depression takes over.