I woke up super early; I slept from midnight to 5am. I have too many thoughts swarming around in my head. I keep thinking about what restrictive Reginald said, “You think by pushing out content is going to get you somewhere but it’s not going to get you anywhere. The way you are going is not getting you anywhere. You will see!!”
I was thinking about all the content I have yet to release. I think I’m going to do two things. Start a subscription on my website to see whose willing to buy my content. Also, market my unlisted content to the industry. I will send those links to entertainment managers and music labels.
I really don’t know what I’m doing; I really need some help, investment, and marketing. I don’t know how to go viral. I know my music, lyrics, and concepts are undeniably good yet I’m not getting the traffic I need for views. Marketing costs a minimum of $250 a month. But the real amount to pay if you want to see a difference in traffic to my music, would be $2500 a month (if not more).
I don’t understand why I’m in this field when I’m out of my league by having little money. I know I must stay in gratitude and have faith but nothing is happening.
Before smoking marijuana, I wasn’t a bad person. In fact, I spent a lot of time with people; I would talk about Jesus with them. Like Tmaine, I spoke to him about God and he would ask to attend church with me as a ploy to find out my location, in order to rob my apartment while I was out of town.
I only keep to myself now because I want to protect myself. It’s a crazy world, and the news continually shocks me with more and more gruesome stories. And being friends with people, drains me. I prefer to be my own friend; I like my own company.
Today is “day two” of my “8 day journey”. Today I must list three achievements that I’m proud of. This is much easier for me to answer than yesterday’s entry.
I am proud that I can say I performed at the world famous Apollo Theater in Harlem. Sure, nothing happened from it. However, it’s nice knowing that I was on the same stage that so many great performances had taken place. The whole experience was taped on YouTube, so I can always look back and remember the time I was out there. My entire family came to New York to support me, even my siblings.
My second proudest moment was booking a Lifetime movie when I was a teenager. Sure that was almost 20 years ago, but it was my first booking. Raven Symone was the lead role and she was the very reason I wanted to be an actress at four years old.
My most recent proud moment was my last booking for a film. It still hasn’t officially come out yet. I viewed the film at a screening on the Warner Bros. lot, and I actually thought the movie sucked. However, I was proud of my acting in the movie. I wish I was in a better movie, with a better storyline, with better actors(actually the actors were good but shot in a way that looked cheesy), with a better budget…but despite all of that-I was happy that “I did well”. It’s a very hard task to still stand out as a talented actress in a bad film, yet I achieved that.
I’m going to list more things I’m proud of….
I’m proud that I write, direct, and produce my own music videos. I’m proud that I write all of the lyrics to my own songs. I’m proud that I live alone in my apartment and pay all of my bills on a timely manner. I know that’s part of “adulting”, but I’m still proud of how responsible I am. I’m proud of my ability to connect with people (when I want to) & inspire them. For example, whenever someone meets me. They always always always get a burst of energy to go after their dreams. I don’t know why that is but the very next time I hear from them, they are somehow doing better than before. My previous therapist told me that she went after her real dream occupation because of me. She said that because of me, she decided to quit therapy and go back to school. Also, my friend Lulu never gave up on his acrobatic abilities and worked harder to hone his skills. My friend Paul goes hard at his acting career, probably more so because of meeting me. My makeup artist Lily, decided to branch out and find more opportunities instead of the one job she was slaving away at when I first met her. I’m proud that my drive is contagious for them.
When I work with babies, I’m proud of how they develop when I’m their nanny. Part of my soul rubs off on them, and they develop a love for music. Their little bodies wiggle to sound and smiles plaster their little faces when I sing. When I had a job working for newborn twin girls, I’d always perform for them. By the time they were two, they knew how to twerk. (Sadly, their parents cut off all contact with me once they began daycare.)
I forgot to list my biggest achievement that I’m most proud of…this is the longest I’ve been able to stop smoking in the past 20 years. I’m going on one month and 22 days. Almost two months of not smoking, which was my hardest addiction to break. I’m still not recovered but I’m doing well so far, and I’m proud of myself!
I wish I can list achievements of making it on the billboard charts, being in a major film that is shown all theaters, traveling out the country, buying a house or new car, speaking at a TedTalk, winning a Grammy or Academy Award, or taking my Pops to Japan for wagu beef and authentic sushi. I wish I could go to Jerusalem, Italy, Paris, or Africa. I wish I could snorkel with tropical fish and beautiful corral. I wish I could just afford going to the spa and get the best beauty treatments: hydra facials, 90 minutes massages, scalp massages, body wraps, infrared sauna treatments, face sculpting with micro current treatments and pedi/manis whenever I wanted.
There are so many people in this world that can afford these things, and I’m sure not all are nepo babies or have generational wealth. Some of them work really hard. However, I don’t like posting on Instagram & TikTok everyday. And I don’t know how to enjoy life by holding up a camera to my face and showing people what I eat for the week or how I do my makeup. I rather live in real time and just enjoy life.
Life is simple for me now. Just going after my dreams in the most humble way. However, I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. But, I’m never going to quit trying.
My next attempt is to write the senior Vice President of HBO/Warner Media, and ask him for help. I’m going to write Kendrick Lamar’s team and ask for help. I’m going to write Tina Turner, and ask her for help. I’m going to reach out to Republic Records, Maddenflow Entertainment, Epic Records, and CAA…and ask them all for help. It’s demeaning though because they never help!!!! But maybe, if I give them links to my unlisted work…I might get a different response.
All of this writing and reaching out I will do when I’m in LA. I have to focus on two things first but after April 3rd, my schedule will be less hectic. I hope I will follow through with these goals. No assistance, no guidance, just me doing all of this on my own. God help me.
“Jesus, please help me. Help me get more rest too. Please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. Amen”