I learned today that I talk way too much. It’s a terrible trait that any Gemini possess. If you are quiet long enough, you will know everything about a Gemini. But after today, I will forever change.
I had a terrible headache all day. It could have been because I was filled with thoughts all day. I kept thinking about whose life I am making easier with my presence. Not with my money as an exchange. I mean, with only my presence.
It bothered me all day. Then I felt so bad about complaining about my brothers and sister last night. Although my feelings are a reflection of how I really feel, family is all I have. I know that my siblings would be there for me if I truly needed them(unsure).
Sometimes I wonder what my relationship will be once my parents pass away. I sometimes think my siblings and I would never talk again. Just based off how they act with me now, I doubt if I would ever hear from them. After all, I’m the only one who initiates a phone call to say hello.
But the reason why I say I am not going to talk as much anymore is because people sometimes use that information against you.
In my last entry I spoke about a man I met off Craigslist. I already knew I was going to be let down by him, so I wonder why I’m even wasting time speaking on him. But in order to learn and engrave this moment in my mind, I must speak on Reginald.
When I first met him, I told him all of my dreams and aspirations. I told him everything I was doing and what I’ve done in the past. I shared my music with him too. After everything, he decided to not invest in me. Why? He said he wanted an artist who was going to listen to his orders.
He told me to not put out any more music until he said so. He told me to become fluent in French and Spanish. He wanted me to learn my keys by heart…such as key of C or D minor, etc. And , I was to only answer him as “Yes Reginald or No Reginald”.
I asked him if he could speak to Keith but he said he doesn’t speak to anyone but the artist. That let me know that he was not the one for me. I said, “okay, I understand. And your loss.” Then hung up on him. That was the end of Reginald.
I was at the gym when this happened and decided to go home. When I got through my front door, a producer that I’m working with called me. He’s newly married, but shortly after saying his vows, he secretly confessed his admiration for me. I acted like it never happened, but I will always remember. This producer had absolutely no reason to call. It seemed like he just wanted to talk so I got off the phone quickly. From now on, I’m not answering any of his calls after 7pm.
Shervin always like talking on the phone too. He begs me to call him before work. He tells me how much he cannot wait to see me. I feel apprehensive about seeing him. I don’t want to deal with him staring at me, kissing my hand, and giving these long hugs where his hands are getting braver and braver each day. He once tapped my butt and I just rolled with it. It could be worse. I don’t want him to kiss me.
Here I go again, talking too much and revealing all my thoughts. I don’t want to censor myself here. But sometimes I get these weird friend requests from people who don’t even have any written entries. I rather associate with the people on the app who are willing to be vulnerable and share their thoughts. I hope I don’t fall victim to this app backfiring on me.
I wish I had a callback from my auditions. I wonder what is wrong to where I’m not even receiving callbacks. Why don’t they see the character in me!?
I sinned today out of rebellion. I won’t mention what I did but I did not smoke. When I was in the studio, I still had the absolute worst headache. I wouldn’t even want to smoke if I was offered weed during a headache. It makes my headache a bazillion times worse. My headache started around 10am. It may have been because of my fasting.
By the way, for my eating window, I had a foot long turkey and cheese sandwich & two bags of baked chips for lunch. Then I had a banana for a snack. For dinner, I ate around 4:45pm. I had a child’s plate from Lubys which consisted of fried fish with mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. Afterwards, I ate a tiny piece of bbq ribs that were leftovers.
I went to the gym and burned 175 calories on the stairclimber. I was unmotivated to be there so late at night. I left the gym around 9:45pm.
Now I’m in bed and it’s almost 11pm. I want to try to go to bed sooner than midnight. My mind is still not quiet yet. I am thinking about my life so much. I wish I had more. I am grateful for what I have now but I guess I’m not done learning all the valuable tools that I must be equipped with.
Today was very eye opening. I learned that I must strive to be a presence that makes other peoples lives easier. I learned to not give too much information about myself, my dreams or aspirations. In fact, talk little about yourself. And lastly, to never answer calls from any men I work with past 7pm.
“Jesus, please give me patience. Give me wisdom and knowledge. Please forgive me for my sins. Help me feel your support in knowing you will supply all of my needs. Please give me sweet sleep tonight. Please watch over my loved ones. Thank you for good health. Please send healing to those who need it in my family including those reading my prayer. I love you. Amen”