I slept from midnight to 7am. I had a dream that I was getting a pedicure and manicure with my mom and a rapper named Blueface. I don’t know this rapper personally, or have any knowledge of his music or even think he’s attractive. But there he was, in my dreams.
All I remember is him getting a pedicure and having a fortune teller say all these positive things about his life. And then I woke up at 7am.
I can’t eat for four hours as part of my fast. Seems like torture but I will develop a mentality to not be bothered by this over the next 21 days. I’m pretty sure I’ll daydream about what I’m going to eat throughout the day now. Mindful eating and prayer….let’s see what happens.
For “day one” of my “8 day journey”, I have to list three people whose lives I’ve made easier with my presence. Currently, I have no one. I love my parents but they seem to give more than I do. They feed me home cooked meals sometimes and I can always call them for advice. However, I don’t think I make their lives easier. Although, they may say otherwise and say, “I’m a blessing.”
I do help them with little things though. So maybe my parents, but I don’t help them as nearly as much as I want to.
I help Shervin too. I listen to his problems. I always encourage him. I helped him find his first job, which he still has to this day. But once again, I don’t nearly help him as much as he helps me. He pays for my gas sometimes, every time I get my nails done, and yesterday I charged his card for $98 worth of Botox.
Sadly, that’s it, just my parents and Shervin. That’s not good. I wish I helped my nephews out more. One of them is really sweet, and is getting ready for prom and graduation. I wish I could have been a part of their lives more somehow. Maybe it’s not too late since they are still 18 and 19 years old.
I stopped being close to people. I was close to Keith and listened to all of his problems, but he hurt me when he stopped believing in my music. Now he’s come around again because he sees that I never quit going, even with his departure. I will never trust him fully because of this. He’s already let me know, money is more important to him above anything else.
I was there a bit for Miss Cornelia. She called me the daughter she never had. I was the only student she loved on this level. However, I will never forgive myself for not being around the last moments of her life. I didn’t even go to her funeral service. I didn’t want to see her like that.
I remember introducing God to Guy’s life before he died. He had very little belief and never prayed. We spoke about a lot of things before his passing. But I wasn’t around for his last days either.
I don’t make anyones life easier with my presence. I don’t extend myself to anyone for fear of getting hurt. I don’t want to give my time or energy because I rather give that to myself. I feel selfish now.
If life is about giving what we can, then I rarely give enough. I do this because I cannot deal with other peoples problems. I don’t have the money to spare. I don’t feel like it’s worth it.
In my head, I’m waiting for my career to happen. Then, I’ll be able to take over my parents bills. I will be able to share my music on a larger scale and maybe affect someone’s life. Then, I can donate to causes I believe in….
But what about this moment, now?…. I have less than a couple hundred bucks and a dream. I never have time for anyone else because I give it all to my career, myself, or my parents.
I used to be more giving but was left with nothing except less than what I had before. I never felt an even exchange. I need to focus on giving without expecting anything.
This 8 day journey is starting off bad. I just learned I’m not making anyones life easier with my presence. I’m just out here being self absorbed and not giving my time or energy to anyone.
Today I pay the little money I have left for studio time. It starts at noon so I’ll get a chance to eat beforehand. I’m already thinking about food, but I still have three more hours before I can eat.
I feel really down. My mom did call me selfish once. I never forgot when she said it. I don’t want to be that… selfish. I want to make peoples lives easier because of my presence. There is no better time than to start now….
“Jesus, the day has only begun and I feel sad. I feel like my existence on earth is meaningless. I find myself not wanting to get close to anyone. I don’t want to deal with their problems or have them ask me for anything. I think I’ve grown cold towards other people. Help me find ways to be more giving of myself. Help me find more time to be there for my family members. Send the people you wish for me to help in my direction that won’t drain me of my energy. I don’t want to be selfish or self absorbed. I want to be giving and selfless. Please take away this scarcity mindset. Please bless my life in such a special way. Let me not feel lack in so many areas of my life. Please give me a peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. And I pray for others reading my prayer… help them too. Amen.”