How does one event, comment, smirk, or change in my life effect my complete mental health.
I woke up to a beautiful morning with the man I love in a great mood. I gave him a kiss goodbye and reminded him that I love him as I do every morning. I was able to wake up my son with no problems. He went through the whole morning routine with a smile on his face. He was tired but he always is, he has nothing to shut off his brain. I guess I know where he got that from.
Once the boys were on the bus, I relaxed on the porch enjoying the sun and cool breeze with my coffee. I caught up on the latest posts, news, and videos on social media. I was in the best mood. I had all these plans for the day. Organize the shed, finish clearing out the dining room, clean the house, set up the calendar, etc. My mom is due home in 2 days and I don’t want her disappointed in me.
I had even invited a friend over for coffee. It was nice to be able to talk to someone that understands what I have been through and continue to go through. Now, I don’t trust her. I don’t trust anyone. The intent to reach out to someone to learn to trust was there though. After some time, she went home to finish her mommy duties and I went inside to start the list in my head.
Roughly 20 minutes later my phone rings. I expected it was my boyfriend stating he was coming home early due to the storm moving in. I was wrong. I looked at my phone and my heart sunk into my stomach. The school was calling. Not only were they letting me know that my son had shut down in the hallway but that I had to come to get him. Thankfully, my mothers childhood friend and someone I consider family, was the person on the other end of the line. I explained to her that I did not have a vehicle anymore and I had no way of picking him up. She asked me if I was okay. I shrugged back my tears and answered “yes”. She told me that she was going to speak with the principal and call me back.
I immediately called my mother, I always do when I feel like I am losing control. If anyone could calm me down, it was her. My boyfriend was at work and I was all alone. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. My lungs felt like they were caving in. I was shaking to the extent that I felt as though I was going to throw up. I was holding back tears as my mom answered the phone. She knew immediately something was wrong. I explained to her everything that I knew, which wasn’t much. I told her how I feel worthless, alone, like a scumbag, like I can’t even take care of my own child. Hell, I couldn’t even pick him up from school when he needed me the most.
My mother calmed me down and reminded me of who I am and how strong I am. She has always been good at calming me and getting me “back on track”. The only other person that could could assist me out of my attacks was my Mamma. But since she died, my mom is all I have left besides my son.
Thankfully the school called back and informed me the principal and another teacher will be bringing him home. Once he arrived, I thanked them both and spoke to my son on the porch. He explained what happened and we spoke about how he could have handled it different and his coping mechanisms.
I kept myself together all this time. Long enough to make it through my anxiety attack while helping my son and calm enough to attempt to push through the day. I started working on my to do list for the day and asked my son to help. He was a little hesitant but he understood. I feel like that was a huge mistake. Next thing I know my $300 brand new vacuum is broken and missing a piece. I didn’t yell, scream, throw a fit. I shut down, turned off the lights and returned to my safe spot, my room.
WHY? WHY THE FUCK ME?! I HAVE LOST FUCKING EVERYTHING I HAVE WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS WITHIN THE LAST YEAR AND NOW MORE?! WHY?! I know I deserve karma. I have not been the best or nicest daughter, partner, friend, family member in the past. But I am TRYING! I try so fucking hard to be better and do better. I literally tell myself every fucking day that I am doing better and I can do this then BAM smack me the fucking head and remind me how much of a fucking PIECE OF SHIT I AM!
So I find myself here. On my bed. Going back to bed…