Since we got back from our vacation I have been feeling so many emotions at once. I’m happy but sad. I love someone but I hate someone. I absolutely hate how I feel.
It actually happens all the time honestly. And some times it’s not even like a “flip of the switch”. I literally feel it at the same time. For example, I love my boyfriend. He deals with so much when it comes to me. I was with him today helping him with his deliveries. I wanted to go but at the same time I didn’t. I question if I’m going to get out of the house or if I am going so I don’t have to worry about him doing something he shouldn’t. When we were together today I would smile and make little jokes. There were times I would dance the 2000s hip hop songs playing on the radio. More times then less I was lost in my thoughts just thinking… Should I really be with him?
I stare at him and think how sexy he is, loving he is, caring he is. But then I remember the damage he always already endured and continues to endure by being with me. My mother says it’s because he loves me. But honestly I feel like I’m just a “trophy wife” besides the looks from other guys he always “won” against my sons father. He drinks a lot and when he does he can be mean. Not violent but his words hurt. Broken/Empty promises. He has a lot on his plate but still… I can’t remember the last time he held my hand in the truck or tried to have sex with me or made me feel attractive. Then the thoughts of my cousin come in and the other girls he could possibly be talking to as he did in the past.
I even considered a break up letter. Not to actually break up with him but what I would say to him. I think I might do many letters honestly. That way if one day something happens to me, the truth of my feelings will come out. Like one last Fuck You from Siobhan. Who knows. My thoughts at the moment are all over the place. Which triggers my emotions obviously.
I’m going to take a break. Maybe try some TV.