Our Story Part 6: 1999
When I heard his voice on the other end of the phone, my stomach felt like butterflies and I honestly felt sick. He told me he was not living with his parents and his brother just happened to get the message otherwise he doubts he never would have received the message. Looking back on that I need to thank his brother one day for that, because maybe had he never received that message we wouldn’t had the chance we did.
We talked for about 10 minutes and he asked me to come visit him, but with all the studying I was doing I did not have time and that I would go another day. Which he did agree too. Honestly cannot recall how long it took to see him but I know it was after finals and when I went to see him it was the day after his birthday. As I pulled up to this Victorian house that got turned into apartments, I found myself feeling sick again and with each step going up I thought it was a mistake being there. I stood in front of the door talking myself into knocking. As I was about to say No and just turn around and run down back to the car, something inside me knocked on my head and then the door. 2 knocks on my head and 3 on the door. As I mumbled ” don’t answer”, the door opened up.
There stood a guy I did not recognize. He had longer hair, shaved on the sides, no glasses, long JNCO pants and a long sleeve Offspring shirt. Almost skater and stoner look. Yet his eyes and smile looked the same. I went from this weird little goth girl to your average Lisa Loeb/Janeane Garofalo look alike ( I was also told I looked like Neve Campbell from the movie Wild Things most of my 20s). We both had changed drastically.
Last time he saw me I had short pixie cut and was screaming red! I was still wearing pale makeup and dressing in all black. He went from the sweet mamas boy who looked like Wally from Leave it Beaver to this stoner! Now Rusty as he got older looked a lot like Daniel Radcliffe from Harry Potter and Seth Green or Elijah Wood.
So as I stood in this apartment. I no longer knew this person, so we started talking and catching up. He was so happy to see me clean and sober and making good with College and being grown-up. Then I learned he was back with Margo and I told him that was the last person I thought he end up with and he told me she was mad I was going to be there and threatened to leave him if I came. I asked if I should go, but he said no. We talked like we use to and people started to show up and it was a different crowd of people and some I knew and those I did know, I was not a fan of. I knew that crowd as big druggies and I could not allow myself to be around that. I explained that to him and he walked me to my car. As we stood next to the car we laughed because it was like old times, just the rolls had been reversed.
I would talk to Rusty off and on the rest of summer and one night after work, he had called and left a message for me with my dad. When I got home, my dad had told me he called and said I should come by no matter how late it was. So I turned around and left to his place. It almost 11pm and as I knocked on the door, Margo’s little brother had answered it. Let’s call him “Braydon” Braydon was watching a movie with 2 other people and I told him Rusty wanted me to stop by, he pointed to bedroom. I walked in and saw he was asleep and in bed. As I turned to leave I hear, “Hi. Don’t go” Just at that moment a crash of lightening and thunder happen. It starts to rain hard and it lit up the room. He was naked.
I told him it was a mistake to be there, as he got dressed from the waist down, he asked me to sit on the bed. He told me how Margo and him had been fighting because of me and after seeing me and catching up, all he could do was think about me. He missed me and wanted another chance. I told him because of his friends and new life style I didn’t think that would be a good Idea. The more we talked and couldn’t resolve anything, the more the rain poured down. The more I gave in and was almost ready to say sure lets do this, the rain would slow down. It was almost as if the gods above wanted us to be together. Finally after hours of talking he asks for me to stay the night, I tell him no. He asks to let me cuddle with him for 10 minutes and I start to cry as we do. I kept playing in my head about the baby and how I had to tell him. I was cowered and I couldn’t tell him. So I sat up and I told him this was a mistake and I leave.
As I get to the car, I drop my keys into a puddle and it starts to come down faster this time. I am a wet rat looking for my keys and I find them and try to unlock the car, I look up and he’s at the window looking at me. My life at the moment felt like a damn movie. I got in the car and sat there waiting for the rain to let up so I could drive. What was I doing? This was the guy I wanted to be with, this was the guy I was deeply in love with, why was I running away? I got home and I called him, he picked up in 1 ring. He didn’t say anything, and I told him in order for this to work, he needed to be clean. Told him to sleep on it and if that was not something he could do, this would not work.
I didn’t hear from him until October. He had moved into his parents old house and had been sober a month. He asked if I would come over and see if we could pick up where we left off. I didn’t know what else to say but okay.
As I pull up, I look around and I feel like this could work, but now I need to be upfront with him. The moment I walked into the house, he kissed me and pulled me into body and before I could say anything else, I was in his bedroom tearing each others clothes off. Now I wish I could fib this part but our love sessions literally turned into all night sessions. I wish it could have been 20 minutes. Instead I am talking 45 minutes to 1.50 each time. Our libidos matched perfectly. Always in sync and always finished together. And in those sessions, 6 or 9 times in 45 minutes. Every guy after him never would compare. He once told me the same for him with women. So there’s that.
As we laid there for a moment trying to grab air. I told him I really wish he would have given me more time to talk ahead of that because I needed to tell him something. He told me what ever it was, it didn’t matter. The past was the past and this was a new start. The next 6 months seemed like a dream. He was working nights, so I was lucky if I would see him most days but I did spend most mornings with him before I went to work and nights before he would go in. But his days off he split with his friends and me. Sometime in the 5th month he was asking for me not to come at night because he was working overtime and needed to be there earlier. By the 6th month I found a long hair in his bed that was not mine and when I asked he didn’t lie and told me he started seeing Margo again.
I don’t recall everything that was said but in the heat of the moment of anger, I told him how he once got me pregnant and maybe it was a good thing I lost it because he didn’t deserve me or the baby! I stormed out and didn’t look back. He called my house a lot that week and every time I told my parents to tell him I was not there. This fight then caused me to leash out and I colored my hair Purple. I cut it. I even went out of my way to find some old friends and got high! This would be last downward spiral. And this burn out lasted about 2 more years.