Mommy Dearest

She asked what kind of mother I hoped she would be? I dont know. Does it even matter now? Does it even make a difference it’s been 23 years since I’ve moved in with her, back when I was 2 months shy of 11. The vulnerable little me. The one who needed nurturing, only to be disappointed that it would be a dish served cold, or a dish not served at all. Her heart was made of stone, I remember I kept thinking that as a kid. No, she wasn’t a bad mother, she was just neglectful. Some say that causes trauma to a child. I thought I was being independent. I thought I was learning to rely on myself. It was hard yes, I cried and I cried a lot. I cried so many times and she would just stare at me like this thing that has feelings. How dare you even feel, kinda look. How dare you be so weak. So I learned to pretend like I don’t have them anymore. Of course it took practice. Years of practice. I was groomed into becoming super Aquarius- super detached. Now I look back and wish I had my feelings back. Now I look back and wish that I could learn how to feel again. Where have my feelings gone? I thought I got rid of them. But that’s not possible because for us humans that’s not possible. We can deny feelings all we want but they never truly go away. They just become tucked under a thick layer of ice and when that ice melts, ❄be ready for a volcano,🌋 because feelings that have been hidden this long don’t show up without letting themselves be known. That explains my mom’s anger. Her dish breaking episodes on Thanksgiving mornings. I’ve gone numb to them by now. But this time I couldn’t handle it, that’s why I didn’t bother going. I booked the flight though. Just didn’t get on the plane. This is hard for me to write, harder than I thought.

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My mother was less than a mother, she only cared for 3 things.. 1) men 2) drugs and 3) booze. That’s why I hate her. She only doted on her boys she had with Mr. High and Mighty. She has great taste in men too. /sacasm (except for daddy)

4 weeks ago

Hmm…I’d say this entry is evidence of strong feelings…

4 weeks ago

You feel. You just don’t understand that you do. I get this. I was trained not to emote about anything. Now, at 64, I am having to learn to recognize my feelings. I often know I feel something but I don’t understand what it is. I am sorry you had to go through that but now you have a whole life ahead to become yourself at last. To break out of that box she put you in. Hug

4 weeks ago

@snarkle thank u for reading 💌 yea it’s like learning a new language

4 weeks ago

@bubblegum220 It is. You’ll be alright. There are folks here who understand.

4 weeks ago

🌹 I just wrote something about feelings, myself. I can’t relate to the mother part. But the feelings and volcano I can. Whatever feeling you try to run from or hold in, just explodes without notice. Last night I balled my eyes out over burning a lasagna. I’m the person who doesn’t allow myself to cry when I need to cry. But when something ridiculous happens I cry over that uncontrollably I hope you can let go of the pain you held in all those years growing up and start to feel all the good feelings in the world.

4 weeks ago

I didn’t see or speak to my mother in a few years. My kids surprised me with a ticket to fly home and visit her. I ended up not getting on the plain either. After hearing about her crying I wished I would have. I didn’t think at the time she’d care either way. I don’t know how to control my feelings. I’ve held in so many tears that they come out like a volcano like you said above. Sometimes they come out angry as well. I burnt a lasagna last night and stood in front of the stove balling ridiculously. I’ve always wanted to make up for the past holidays that I ruined Easter because I wanted it to be so perfect that I exploded in anger! I’m learning now that it is impossible to make up for the mistakes I’ve done in the past. Especially to my children all I can do now is try to be the best I can for them. But even then the harder I try the more emotional I get! The worst I make things and the more I hurt them. I only hope they can one day forgive me so I can one day forgive myself and pray that one day, It’ll all turn be okay.

4 weeks ago

@pennocking yea containing emotions usually does the opposite for me even when I try my hardest, we can’t fool our brain because our emotions are felt in the body first then our brain interprets them. hope we’re not doomed to repeat the toxic cycles of our parents💜