Bittersweet

Every year on the 3rd of July, I’d get together with my parents and siblings for the last several years. The locations changed a bit, but we’d at least see the early fireworks show in their community. It wasn’t always fun, particularly when my daughter was just a tot. Now she’s a teen with her own thing going on, and while I embrace that, it still makes me a little sad.

There’s no way that Mom could go tonight to see them. It’s impossible for her. Next year, she won’t even be here anymore and I know it’ll be a hard day for me to deal with. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up and I haven’t spoken these words to anyone. I choose to journal it instead. Since she’s keeping everything from me, I guess I’ll just keep at it.

I don’t feel like she’s going to go with a lot of things unsaid. We’ve had good times and bad times, but there’s been real talk over the years. I know that she loves her kids in her own way even if she didn’t do so well when we were growing up. I know that she plans to take care of us even after she’s gone. I am certain that she had a lot of regrets looking back.

Who doesn’t?

I have heard that she wishes I was closer to my siblings. For a little back story, they were all born one after the other and I came along nine years later. I kind of feel like I grew up an only child since they were totally doing their thing when I was little. I have had periods of time that we were closer than others, but a lot has happened over the years to drive us apart. I am also older and don’t have the patience for a lot of things, nor the mental strength. I have a full-time office job that has been much more stressful than normal lately as well as a freelance writing gig that I need to revive after a little break. I have my own books to write for publishing so I can try to make something of myself there. I have my husband and daughter.

Life doesn’t stop when you get a new issue to deal with, does it?

I am feeling a little down tonight thinking about the past years.