So, This weekend i decided to have some fun since I have been not really having any fun lately. (For reference, I was in the hospital a few weeks ago with an infection, and since then I havent been feeling right) I went to my primary care provider and I have liver and kidney damage, markers for Chrons disease, and celiac disease, and my bloodwork was all types of fucked up. Anyways, I decided this weekend I was going to try and have some fun, and saturday I went out to eat, and sunday I went to a closeby amusement park with my best friend, and another girlfriend.
Last night I was exhausted, but I had had fun, I got in the bath last night to ease my muscle pain from being on my feet all day long. I went to bed as normal, but I woke up to severe pain in my right ring finger. the joint on that finger had swelled up. I went back to sleep and was woken up again from the pain in my fingers, but it was more. And then when I woke up for the morning, All of my fingers were swollen and for no reason. While I was out, I didnt smash my hand, I didnt overuse my fingers, I did nothing that would cause my fingers to swell.
I go to my PCP, and she took a look at it, and mentioned that it was probably arthritis. (I am 23 years old) It just feels like im way too young for arthritis, and it came at a really bad time too. Tomorrow night I have bowling, and in 2 weeks I am starting on my new job which requires a lot of typing. I was told to put some compression on it and I got a perscription for a strong anti-inflammatory. It just feels like I really cant catch a break long enough to feel normal. I already deal with MDD, GAD, and BPD. And none of those things are easy to deal with.
I feel crazy on top of everything, like maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and I am just crazy and all of these symtptoms that I am having are in my head? At least then I would know what was wrong, but sitting here in the unknown is making me feel crazy. I just want my life back, I want to be able to play with my toddler without being exhausted all the time. I want to be able to do things with my friends, and have fun, and really enjoy life. But it just seems to be hard.
On top of everything, me and my boyfriend are having a few issues here and there, I dont feel loved, he feels suffocated by me. He doesnt ever tell me im pretty randomly anymore, and he never wants to be physically intimate with me. I gained weight, and I definately dont feel sexy anyways. It just feels like me and my boyfriend’s issues are weird to have so early on in a relationship. We have only been together for 8 months, we’re young. Its just hard because I know he loves me, but I dont always FEEL loved or wanted by him if that makes any sense?
It doesnt make sense to me because even though I have been in a lot of pain, I still feel turned on just by looking at him, and he’s not even phased when I wear lingerie. I dont know if he wants me anymore. He used to always want to be physical with me but maybe all these health problems, mixed with the weight gain and low self esteem on my part is making him not find me as attractive anymore?? I dont know.