A Bit Of This & That

So I am finally doing this again for the first time since I was like 17… Been thinking about starting a new O.D. for a while now, but too scared to just incase my partner ever found out.

So much has happened and changed since i was 17 and all of my O.D entries consisted of me longing to find someone and all of the usual teenage mumbo jumbo. I have had 5 kids, from 2 dead beat relationships. (still dealing with the 2nd now)…

Once i get used to writing again after 10 long years of keeping absolutely not 1 diary at all, i am hopeful that my entries will get better…

Today has been another hectic day, William has ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder, following yesterday’s antics where he thought it would be a great idea to pee in Peyton’s toy kettle and chuck it at Tiana when she hid in the boys wardrobe (OMG! Its going to take forever to get the urine smell out of the carpet now) Thank you son. Today he decided to grab toys and hit the 2 girls bedroom door, and has left little holes where the bed slats connected the door!!!! On top of that Both William and Tiana decided it would be a great idea “AGAIN” to completley flood out the girls wardrobe, so now I have had to re wash their clean school uniforms, Pyjamas and underwear…

Again today I feel flat, deflated and defeated!!! What in the world did i do to deserve this? Is this my punishment for not having the balls to leave their father when he starts his shit… I mean come on, he hasn’t layed a hand on me for about 2.5 years now…. I dont even share a room or a bed with the man, I am happy with my matres on the floor surrounded by all of the kids. Is this some cruel punishment for me doing that?

I struggle to sleep at night, my house is a mess, and my heart aches to be truly loved, I have put on weight and my oldest son doesn’t want anything to do with me, My soul aches to be free… why does things have to be so hard!!!