Cheating spouse

I’ve never been the one to tell my business. I feel like I’m going crazy keeping everything bottled up and no one to talk to. I love my husband and family. Things are great with us. The truth though is he’s been cheating for over a year now with multiple people and even found out he’s brought them to our house while I work nights. Our kids are here and he pays for sex. He was abusive but not now. I know my limits and boundaries. It’s like I feel so stupid for staying. He’s our main provider and if I leave I leave with nothing but my kids. Everything is in his name or both of ours and I can’t afford it on my own. My kids love him(not his by blood) and I don’t want them being hurt if I leave. I keep over looking it. He barely has sex with me but maybe once every few months and even then he acts like it’s a chore or doesn’t enjoy it like when we first got together. I wanna say forget it and leave but I keep staying. Not saying a word. I feel stupid and ashamed. Am I really that messed up that I’ll stay in an unfaithful marriage. I just wish things would change. If I was hearing this from someone else I know what I would tell them but why can’t I take my own advice. I Love him and he’s a great dad and provider but why can’t he be faithful.

Log in to write a note
May 18, 2020

He’s sick.

“Am I really that messed up that I’ll stay in an unfaithful marriage. ”

You aren’t messed up.  You’re just at a loss and don’t know what to do or how.

I don’t know how long you’ve been married but it looks to me like he made you “home base”.  He found something in you that would provide a personal need for him.  He will perform but only to maintain the base and once he secured you he resumed living his own life for himself.  Possibly a wrong perception but definitely plausible.  And if it were true, it sure would be hard to swallow.  It’s the worst form of hoodwink.

I’d tell you to start working on your own life and the life of your kids and make a plan to start over.  He’s paying for sex, with your kids in the home.  GET OUT!  That’s how I feel / think about it.

May 18, 2020

I don’t know how to say this respectfully.  Please trust that I am saying this from the place of having been in abusive relationships.  Things are not great with you and your spouse.   Your kids may love him, but that does not mean that he is good for them.  Cheating on you in your children’s presence is just sick.    I have been that child.  I was in the same motel room when she cheated on our dad.  I have never in my life felt the rage that I felt those nights.
Rage because she cheated on him and rage because he abandoned us to the situation that allowed it.

Your children should be your first priority, and I fully believe that it is far more damaging to keep them in an abusive home (and you may not see it, now, but a time will come when you will see how abusive it is) than to remove them and live in an impoverished situation.
Children are resilient.  Losing stuff will not hurt them the way watching their mother being treated like crap will hurt them.  Your daughters will think they deserve nothing better than a man who brings other women home.  Your sons will treat you like garbage.  The list goes on.
Please go to a women’s shelter.  Your children are in danger.  That’s all you need to tell them.

May 18, 2020


Hes never been abusive in front of the kids or brought them over while their awake although I understand what your saying.

May 18, 2020

The depression and fear is keeping you there.  It’s just how he wants it to be, he wants you too afraid to stand up.  I hope someday you find the will to push through the fear and know that things will be ok.   Everything will be ok.  You can always earn more money or find places to get help.  You only get a span here on this earth to do with what you please.  Tangible things don’t matter one bit when we are losing ourselves.  As someone who has held myself back through depression and fear in different ways, I truly understand your fight.  I hope you find the will to strap that armor on, grab your sword and never look back.  It will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.  It may not feel like it at first, but in time you will be rewarded.  Things worth doing are never easy.  Fight for you.  You are the person you will always be with.  Fight for the person you see yourself being.

May 19, 2020

i hear you and understand what you are going through, i myself am in a relationship i dont want to be in but cant seem to leave 🙁  i give the best advise but cant take it for myself.

May 20, 2020

Tell him to hit the road Jack. You don’t need that shit. Your kids don’t either.

May 22, 2020

Its easy to say you have to leave and have to end it.  Its another thing to actually do that.   I can imagine that would be very hard emotionally and financially to do.  You love him , you want to have a good relationship.

HOWEVER, you can not be the only person working on a relationship and living up to the promises and vows the 2 of you took.

For me some of the big deal breakers is that he not only is sleeping with other women, hes doing it in your home, in your bed when you are not there and your kids are.   Along with the paying of sex.  Not only is this so blantantly disrespectful but its also dangerous for you.

I think you should some how find a way to call him out.  Tell him you love him and want to make it work, but you will not stand for being disrespected the way you currently are and if he loves you he will stop sleeping with other women and show you he loves you and wants to be in the marriage.

Do you have any friends or family you can lean on?  Someone you can confide in who knows your situation.    Big hugs, I cant imagine how hard this is for you.