warning, not appropriate for kids or anyone who doesn’t like adult content/swearing.








So I did a thing to get over another thing, classic emotional acting without any common sense.

My really good friend and also friend with benefits guy overdosed a few days ago after having a year and a half clean off everything, but alcohol.

He asked me to come see him and stay with him, because he didn’t want to be alone for the night.

I had an interview to do with this girl from Atlanta for my page- plus it was 9 pm and he lives an hour and 17 minutes further from me.

I knew it was gonna be pointless, 20 minute sex scene and then he’d go to work. So I told him I’d come two days later.

As you guys may know I was seeing this really nice guy with money and a newly bought house, but he’s an ex addict and alcoholic currently on an ankle bracelet and unfortunately as long as I’ve been friends with him my attraction to him is null. So I reminded him that we are not together despite all the help of his parents towards my organization and moved on.

I was, holding out a little while so I thought.

Then I’m like fuck it, I’m already going to see Kev.

And I did go see him. I definitely saw him.

I went to outpatient in buffalo, and waited 6 hours for my medicine and bought like 4 purses on sale at this ghetto store across the street.

Then I headed to kevin’s house.

We got wendy’s , he offered to take me elsewhere as always, but I said I wasn’t hungry. We’ve been out to dinner several times. Our relationship is so odd, but it used to be so much more fulfilling. I met him in rehab, actually the same one I met my abusive ex at. Well, Kevin used to throw food at me and point fun at me because I didn’t like him nor was i attracted to him. We started to become “ok” around the time I was leaving 3 months in. He was really obnoxious and annoying and was constantly screwing this girl in the bathroom at the outpatient wing. I had this slight obsession for this fella named alex with neck tattoos and a slight gay flare to him. I did end up sleeping with him once or twice, but it wasn’t what I wanted and I met my ex. Along the way came Kev. So, I moved to the halfway house and I’m “dating” Pat,but pat is paying absolutely no attention to me at all.

I’m driving out there spending my last $20 here and there to go see him. At the time he himself is working, and I’m just doing chores for the house because we weren’t allowed to get legit jobs for a accumulating period of time and abstinence. It’s all about trust in these houses; they see you promoting responsibility and dependency and they grant you independence. Even if that mean getting to stay out until 11 pm after your first month or take new comers to meetings. Now, Kevin had overdosed quite a few times and landed himself in a new rehab that was driving the patients to this meeting at the salvation army on sunday night we were required to attend. Us girls would spend between 20-100 minutes huddling over the mirror sharing makeup, energy drinks, clothes and cigarettes while gossiping about which man we were gonna hook up with. I unfortunately watched a man fall off the falls and almost die, he ended up in the hospital with an internal bleed in the brain and loss of a leg from the knee below. One day Pat (my ex) had relapsed on k2 (spice used to mimic marijuana for those on probation or being drug tested-rarely alike at all). I had no clue and he was getting it from my best friend in the house named, Missy. He had this cute little nick name for her, “Missy Misdemeanor”. She was 30 at the time and had been caught stealing from a company she was a CEO of. She worked with her father, and his brother ended up sewing her for hundreds of thousands of dollars. She spent her money on cocaine and heroin which was keeping her thin and far from her weight complex. Growing up Missy was extremely over weight with this gorgeous face that was lost in her insecurities. Although her personality sure did draw many men in, I watched Missy pick up and drag out men like cigarettes, one after an other just dispensable lying around watching her use another for money or rides. She had slight attachments to some, usually the ones that ended up hitting on me because I was her “semi-skinny friend with the amazing ass.” No. I am not tooting my own horn, this was life in a halfway house and this day was extra-ordinary. I remember my ex picking me up in the company truck right across from this extremely ghetto trashy meeting in the falls. He brought me in what was actually a driven circle and stopped at a little house on the corner of the neighborhood and said he had to meet Missy. Surprisingly I wasn’t all that paranoid about why my boyfriend was meeting up with my best friend, she had told me her new boo thing owed him money from a previous rondez-vous I was not clued in on, apparently? Well, within five minutes he’s shaking and can’t drive. I’m in this sexy all black outfit, leggings and belly shirt expecting this man to give me some fucking attention at the very least and he’s about to throw up and convulse on k2. Spice. Popperie. That nasty, whatever it’s made of. I’m sure it doesn’t matter as long as they were synthetic and the chemical compound was undetected in a drug screen. He asked me to drive and then recalled his question while I’m fuming with anger watching potential gang-bangers walk in and out of this disgusting bed bug infested house with a broken fence and missing draped over the front sidewalk with Anthony. “ARE WE FUCKING GOING?” I say, again and again. He can’t speak. Five minutes later he starts driving and leaves me in the same spot he picked me up at and said I pissed him off. OK. So I call Missy, crying and despaired. Paige, my friend who now periodically goes missing due to a long never ending bender of meth and heroin, is huffing computer duster out of a black backpack and walking a long side a guy she also met at the meeting. I am the president of the house and now I’m watching one of my other close friend break obvious rules. Any mind altering substance is considered to be against the rules and paige was also on drug court like myself so in the case you break them hard enough someone who knows barely anything of the situation faxes a complaint to the drug court coordinator, and you’re lucky if you don’t end up locked up for 2-6 weeks with either a short sanction or possible termination of withheld ajudication (pause in sentencing for a possible lesser conviction if successful completion of program). Missy shows up with this man I’ve never seen before who is also on the program as well, but in a different county as we all are. I am complaining and all wound up walking behind them and we decide to take a walk above the falls on the ground area that has trails following along side the water for entertainment purposes. Missy and her new guy friend are huffing computer duster and I’m praying to god that I will get out of that screwed up situation while they all laugh and act insane and out of their minds. As we creep up to one of the higher spots at the falls I stop to sit on a pile of rocks and take pictures while I frantically text my ex and bitch and complain about him leaving me in the same spot. He of course does not care nor respond. I look over and see Missy and her new “friend” play pushing eachother, well I take a selfie on HER phone because mine died from all the calling and texting just to see the man take a plunge off the cliff. At first I don’t believe what I am seeing. I hear a slow few bumps as he plummets to the bottom where there is more ground alongside the water. Missy is still laughing and paige has now peed her pants and is sitting against a tree screaming, “HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE.” All I could remember thinking was “fuck all this im out he’s dead”, and I get up and start running the opposite way from the trail. I hear Missy scream my name because of course I have her phone! Then I hear this man’s voice at the bottom of the cliff and he’s saying, “JUST DONT CALL THE COPS.” I end up deciding to call the police because they are so high they can’t do anything, and nor do they even have a phone. The response team brings tons of people with this safety devices that lower people from the top of the cliff down by cables to help people who have apparently fallen the 80 ft from the top. I am more worried drug court is gonna find out and possibly blame me for the situation at hand even though I did not condone nor make this happen, all I did was get fucking left behind and stuck with these people begging for a replacement high that will keep them from failing a possible drug screen. It ends up working and they save this guy, and I end up being the “hero”, that called 911 . Luckily none of them ever got in trouble for huffing computer duster although they found the can that Missy had thrown over the ledge when it happened in the first place. I still try and laugh, but that night was absolutely terrible.

So the overall objective I was trying to get at here was- I end up going to these meeting with Missy and Paige and we all have someone we’re supposed to meet while we are there. I see Kevin and we end up taking to each-other pretty quickly because of our stay at the village together. Now he obviously becomes close with Missy because that’s my best friend. We all start hanging out and as president I was supposed to be bringing new people to the meetings and watching them making sure they didn’t leave the tables or the facilities we were supposed to be at for that hour or hour and half.  I end up having this really awkward relationship with Kev where we periodically go to these meetings and I would call my ex and because he wouldn’t answer me I would end up kissing Kevin – sounds stupid, but it started as a dare and his girlfriend at the time that he met in rehab as well (also horizons) was in prison so he was super sad and lonely. Long story short we end up deciding to ditch the meeting all together one day and hook up all the way for no reason. I’m going through one of my emotional phases where I’m pissed at pat so I think he’s gonna feel me doing it with someone else and get jealous without me ever admitting to it… ahhh how i love vibrations and energy because yes he did in fact pick up that something indeed happened that night. WELLLLLLL. We end up going to the basement of this girls house that kev is staying with (not sleeping with staying with) and I am blown away by him in this weird animalistic way. Like we had no feelings towards one another it was just that I guess? So I am like screw it and I call my ex to see if he’ll answer before I do it and he doesn’t like usual and it happens. Ok. Well this happens 6 times in a row for 6 days. In the basement. I don’t end up getting caught and then I end up going home to my house that’s hours away.


Fast forward two years.

Now, I just graduated the nursing program. My ex became this psycho fuck that wanted to kill me every chance he got, but I was attached and mentally unstable so I let him continue to hurt me. As most of my other posts show. Well, I took my ex back at least 40 more times, and in between I start seeing kevin again  for a total of like 2 months. Things get all crazy and heavy and weird and he won’t go back to this new girl he had been seeing for a year, nicole. She has a baby, by him and doesn’t know that they were broken up BECAUSE OF ME. I don’t not like her. I actually still feel bad. But we start going on these dates, and going to hotels, and having amazing days together but the second month I start getting to be a jealous bitch and missing my abusive ex for whatever brain washed reason that was. I think it was because he got his child’s mother something for valentines day because I couldn’t go up there. So I end up texting my ex back and bam there goes two months that actually were good but really weird. I’m not attracted to him in the face? Maybe just his body, IDK. It’s been a long time, but I always thought he was funny. The sex is amazing at first, like life changing, wonder what you had before amazing, sometimes. Then it starts to hurt alot, and he just keeps doing you whenever your doing nothing and your over the sex. He wanted me to screw him constantly and I was not all for it. Anyways, Unfortunately he did heroin AGAIN and got another DWI running his car into someones yard and leaving the scene with a hit and run. I took him to court because he didn’t have a car. He was sentenced and it was added to his probation- then something happened and I took my ex back so I ended up not talking to him anymore. We end up talking in intervals where he invites me over to sleep with him and I keep saying no because I already ruined enough over it.


Fast forward to three weeks ago-

I am obviously NOT with my ex. So he calls me out of now where and it’s been over 8 months since I’ve spoken to him in text or in person. He says, “i just got out of jail and I tried to get your number from my sons mother as well as Missy.” Here I am like damn I’m finally single and no one told me he was in jail. Now I know he probably just wanted money, but money doesn’t mean anything and I wouldn’t of handed it over in the first place. So he tells me he is super depressed and wants to die, can’t drive and got ANOTHER DWI. Like how the fuck do you get 4 DWI’s in one year maybe two I can’t remember. SO, I’m like, yes I will come by AT SOME POINT. Well, I end up calling my best friend and I make this connection between her new baby and kevin because now she has two children with this over weight man that has money but continuously relapses and is not nice to her at all. He calls her fat constantly, and he’s fat…. so stupid. So he ends up calling me a week ago and saying he relapsed on heroin and overdosed. His dad is in atlanta and his sons mother won’t talk to him nor visit him in the hospital. Missy picks him up and brings him home. I don’t come the first night, but I end up going the third. Which happened to be the night before last. So I spend 6 hours waiting to get my meds and then I go there. I decide it’s probably a bad idea, because I’ve been holding out but I choose to do it anyways because it’s me and im not rational. Now I got Missy who probably has a baby by him and nicole who will find out its STILL OCCURRING 3 years later, but yep. So I end up getting wendys with him and going back to his stupid house and watching dumb cable that sucks because he can’t afford internet anymore. And it turns into this orgasmic sex that I’ve never had, like ever, thats all I can say. But in the morning he goes for it again and he starts choking me out and I’m tearing up about to cry because my PTSD hits. Although he thinks I like that shit, and I do, it makes me uneasy and I just kind of hope itll end. He goes to work and then I leave and go to work and now here I am waiting to go give a lady some meds and send her to dialysis. Peace yall <3

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December 19, 2019


December 19, 2019

I feel for you, I hope that this all works out for you – I have very close family who are addicts, and the path through recovery and halfway and everything else is so complicated (obviously you know that better than me!).

December 19, 2019

I wish I knew more about being a friend to an addict…But I just have a tendency to stay away from them because I have an addicted personality and I know what I am like on drugs and alcohol.