Moving forward

I feel like I am finally moving forward. The things that used to bother me don’t anymore. Even having a particular person like my photo on Facebook with their ghost account didn’t phase me. I thought it was odd that they used their real name and were being so obvious, but quickly realized they were just trying to stir me up. So I blocked them. In the past, even two months ago, I probably would have messaged them and asked them what they were trying to do… I see that that would just feed in to them more and I’m not wasting anymore of my energy on toxic people. After I realized the truth of what had happened in the last relationship I had with someone, I completely broke down. Why did I try to crawl back so pathetically after what had happened? After I was demeaned and violated. I hadn’t been that weak since my relationship that ended four years ago. Was it because I was completely tricked and under some kind of spell? It seemed like it. Or was it because I didn’t have any self worth. I thought I had self worth. I turned down many relationships in that four year span of being single because I saw red flags and knew I wouldn’t be treated well. I think maybe it’s a bit of both. Also, having time to really think about things without having that person in your life can make you realize a lot. When they aren’t clouding your judgement anymore, things become clear. But mostly I think I was tricked. Being love bombed incessantly and then devalued all of a sudden will mess you up psychologically. I had known the event that took place right before we broke it off wasn’t right. I hadn’t felt right about it since it happened. It wasn’t until I broke down crying and told someone about it months later that I had confirmation of the damage that was done. Reading back over messages and texts really made me realize why it happened also. I felt so ashamed that I let that stuff happen to me and didn’t stop it. So ashamed I tried to basically brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened. No I know it was a defense mechanism and part of a trauma bond. It’s been taking months of hard work and therapy to feel just OK again. I literally had a nervous breakdown in June and couldn’t function anymore. All of those scary PTSD symptoms came back. But I pulled myself back up and decided I wouldn’t let it break me. I had been through trauma in the past and knew I had fight left in me. Talking about it has been the only thing that’s helped. Even though only three people know the details of what happened, it at least made me feel heard. And telling some of this story to the world has made me feel strong again. Although I’m nowhere near where I want to be, I am so much stronger than I was at the beginning of this year and even stronger than I was before this stuff happened. And I know, I’m finally moving forward and starting a new chapter.

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