Where is he??

Where do I even begin on this topic.  Love is the thing I want most, but also one of the things I fear the most.  I have only been in love once, and that was 13 years ago.  Since then it has only been a lot of lonely nights and the odd man I let in to fill a void.  But how I long to feel the excitement, the heartache…. yet a heart full, the happiness, the tears, the good times, the difficult times, and all the messy crazy things that come with loving someone.  I have all the best romance movies on repeat, and dive into all the best romance novels, dreaming about a day that I might find someone that fits me and my life.  I am not looking for the perfect man, I am not looking for a fairy tale, I am looking for someone real, someone honest, someone kind, and someone who fully accepts me for just who I am and doesn’t try to change me.  Never did I think at 35 years old that I would be single and childless.  I had much bigger plans for my life, but I have learned very quickly in my minimal experience that life doesn’t always go the way you had planned or want it to.

As we get closer to my favourite time of the year, being alone gets more difficult.  Don’t get me wrong, I am good on my own………. maybe a little too good, I have become very set in my ways and to be honest I am not sure now how someone else fits into that, but I would really like to figure that out.  Christmas is a hard time of year to be alone.  Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I love the lights, the music ( secretly I have already started listening to Christmas music), the decorations, the food, the time with family and just the feeling you get that time of the year.  I guess you could say I am slightly obsessed with Christmas.  But its hard going to every family function at Christmas alone year after year, people asking if your dating anyone, being the only single person in your family, looking at all the engagement announcements, and just not having that special someone to share my favourite time of the year with.  Most single people find Valentines Day difficult, I am the complete opposite, I find Christmas the hardest.

Those in my life often like to tell me that I am too picky.  I don’t agree with that.  I just haven’t felt that feeling, and I am not willing to settle so that I am not single anymore.  I have watched too many people do that and it never ends well.  Others tell me that I don’t put myself out there enough, and they are probably right, but I am a little too comfortable in my solitude.  Some think I should try online dating, but its never been something I have had a good experience with, and I always wanted to meet someone more organically.  Ironically, my only one great love, I met back in the day when Chat rooms were still a thing, and we had a online romance for a year before we met.  When we met it was like I had known him my whole life, we just fit so easily.  We kind of grew up together, but at the same time grew apart.  What we both wanted changed over the years and it just got to the point where all of a sudden without noticing it, we were too different to make it work.  Now here I am trying this dating thing in my 30’s……. never did I think it would be this difficult.

I am in love with the idea of being in love.  But I am looking for that real, messy, emotional love that I watch others in my life have.  Someone I can build a life with, share the good times and the bad, that one person that becomes your support and partner in crime through this crazy thing we call life.  I am fine alone, but I don’t want to be alone.  We aren’t creatures meant to live in solitude, we crave human interaction and relationships at many different levels, and I feel like I have all of the other relationship aspects in my life covered, I am just missing that one piece, but its one of the most important pieces.

I am not writing this looking for people to start telling me that I will “find love when I’m not looking for it” or that I need to be “happy on my own, and when you are everything else will fall into place”……… thanks but no thanks.  I have not been looking for love for a long time (which is maybe part of my problem) and I am happy being alone, but its time to find that special someone I can also be happy with.  I think I am writing this, just to get it out of my head and in a way speak it out loud to anyone willing to listen……. or I should say read.  Well, thats enough putting my heart on display for one night!  Maybe one day I’ll talk about the one great man I loved from afar but knew it could never be, until then, I will continue to live my life and hope that there is someone special out there waiting for me……….. a girl can dream!

Goodnight ❤

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November 25, 2020

I feel you with this