A beautiful fuck up

While starting writing and journaling has already had a cathartic effect only three posts in, I also find myself overwhelmed by the flood of emotions, memories, and doubt the process has released. I think about so many things I want to unload. It’s pretty obvious that I’m a pro at bottling up. I see this mental list in my head of things to address, and I feel like: “fuck! I sound so fucked up.” Things like: dealing with the long-lasting effects of my extreme religious upbringing, living with a.d.d. and never feeling like I’m adequately keeping up, anxiety over my strained relationship with my family, unpacking uncomfortable memories around my sexuality, questioning my abilities as a parent, fighting insecurities over people liking me and accepting me, stress relating to my performance as a newbie in my career, not being good at voicing my needs emotionally and physically to my partner, making sure I’m loving him the way he deserves to be loved. I’m sure the longer I sit here and think, I could add to the list. I sound so fucked up. But then I look at so many things that have happened that are so good, so many things I’ve done, and so many things that I went through to only come out stronger. I became independent after being dependent on a partner in a unhealthy relationship since I was 19. At 30 years old I lived on my own for the first time. I took care of my kids, I worked, went back to school, received a two year degree, And got a job in my field directly out of school. I didn’t start seriously looking for a relationship till I was 33. I took some time to learn to be by myself and learn to love myself in that place. I’ve come so far. I’ve experienced a large amount of loss and grief in the past 5 years, but I’ve made it through to still have hope for love and life. I love the world “juxtaposition”. Two things of a contrasting nature placed next to each other, making the differences obvious. I live a juxtaposed life. The ying and yang of my being. My goal with this journaling is to accept my ying and my yang, but not let the dark side overcome me. I want to be able to say I’m fucked up, but it’s A really beautiful fucked up.

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