This is my first entry, and I have no idea how to start this. I just figured that I should leave my thoughts and feelings open to the universe; maybe something good will come out of it. I don’t know why a stranger would be interested in an anonymous but candid glimpse into the life of a confused and rather ordinary adult (if I even qualify as that), but yet here I am, talking to you. I used to feel hopeless, and it affected absolutely every aspect of my life. Now I don’t know how I feel. I think i’m okay. Definitely better than I was. I know that for certain. Everything was supposed to get better once I got back into college life after a much needed semester off, and a transfer, but it hasn’t. I realize this was juvenile and sheer desperation on my part to think a new start would mean I could be truly happy and content. I think the only purpose school serves is to keep me too stressed and preoccupied to really intuitively think about what’s going on up there in that mind of mine. I have perfect grades for once, and classes I, for the most part, like. I found a major that I love and excel at, except it’s not practical… so my pessimistic nature can’t allow me to even have this small joy. Boring and rather depressing mentalities of adulthood have already seeped into my brain, and money is the first of many problems that control me now. I am riddled with thoughts of ineptitude that keep me from dreaming. So, here I am, stuck in a major I am not passionate about because it’s good for me (at least from a monetary aspect). But with finally getting my life together, working part time, and doing “well”, I feel really lonely and it unsettles me to my core. I should be great. I don’t know why I can’t get myself back to normal. What’s wrong with me? I want things to be carefree and simple for just one more moment. I desperately want to grasp at those memories of endless summer days and riding my bike for hours feeling excited and open to all possibilities. I find myself living in nostalgia, not wanting to face my future. It’s quite sad to think my best days are behind me at a young age like this. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, although everyone seems so generous in bringing that to my attention, and I don’t know where i’m heading. I keep all of this to myself obviously, but I’m completely and utterly lost. I don’t know why society expects you to become an adult and instantaneously know everything. Whoever came up with this twisted concept needs a reality check, one in which I would be happy to give. I know there’s not an answer to where I should be at 20, in the start of the best decade of my life, but I can’t help but wonder if I am already wasting it. I’m 15 days into this new phase and I already think I’m failing my expectations of what my life would be like by now. Twenties are for exploration, adventure, and finding myself, and the only thing I’ve found so far is dissatisfaction and disappointment.