shoo fly don’t bother me

How am I feeling today? Well today, I felt a little on the zombie side, but not full out zombie, just minor zombie. Calm, collected, fully relaxed, lackadaisically going through the motions of my day. Get up, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, go to the store, come home, clean up a bit before my scene partner gets here, make lunch for us, have rehearsal with scene partner, go to coffee with a new friend named Apo who is also a director, come home, make dinner, check my e-mail, go on facebook, check the time for when Julies train will be coming in, start cleaning for her arrival.

It feels like I am a robot you know?

and how am I feeling over all? Not just mood wise? Inadequate. I guess I compare myself to others who are more ambitious than me and more successful than me  and expect myself to be more like them and when I don’t feel like I am reaching those standards I think negatively about myself. It’s not a good thing so I am trying to get past that. I am who I am and I work slower than others, I just have to be able to accept that. I am more cautious so I don’t just jump in to things. I do need to be more of a go-getter though than I already am. Just takes more effort for me for some reason. Maybe because of fear? I don’t know.

Other than that, I am lonely. I say that I am not, that I am fine on my own, but sometimes I think I’m just fooling myself. If Mr. Right came along tomorrow I’d definitely let him sweep me off my feet. Not right away though because I would probably be terrified, but I’d be open to it.

I just don’t think that Mr. Right is going to come along for a loooong time though. Why? Well it’s not that there aren’t many great looking, successful and respectful men out here, (although I haven’t met many in my whole life lol)  it’s just that feeling you get when you meet the right person you know? When you meet them and something sparks, or I don;t know, but SOMETHING happens inside of you, like your body reacts in a way as if you have met them before, like your soul recognizes them, or you have finally found your missing puzzle piece. It’s almost spiritual really, I can’t explain it. So yeah it has nothing to do with looks, or being a nice guy, or being talented, it’s just that…certain special chemistry with someone that’s either there or isn’t.

It could also be that since I have the mindset that I don’t need a relationship and that I just want to focus on my career, that I haven’t been open at all to discovering Mr. Right.  Well, that probably means I am definitely not ready. Which is actually how I feel. Even though I wouldn’t mind having a relationship, I am too selfish right now to be able to have one. I’d just end up hurting the other person. At least that’s what I think anyway, but who am I to say how things work.

I just get lonely sometimes that’s all.

Loneliness used to be like a fly constantly buzzing loudly in my ear, but over time the buzzing grew softer, and quieter. I guess you can say  I’ve grown accustom to that buzzing to the point where I don’t even notice it anymore. Like I’ve shut it out somehow, or it’s become a part of the natural order of things. Nothing I can’t handle ^_^

Hmm okay back to cleaning! Tra la la!

Anyway on a positive note, when it comes down to it I love that I know who I am and I love who I am and nobody can take that way from me except myself. So I am just going to keep trying to stay positive!

Alrighty back to cleaning.