More than I can swallow…

I wish I could say I was feeling any better but I’m not… still
dissolving into tears when I have a moment to dwell on anything but,
fortunately haven’t had many moments to think about much. I worked at
Starbucks from 7-11:30 this morning then sped over to the law office
and worked there until 4:15. From there I deposited my paychecks then
onto hand bell rehearsal, then choir rehearsal then home, finally, at
8:30 or so. Came in here to catch up with all of you guys. I have to be
in to Starbucks at 5am tomorrow morning, so I’m heading to bed after
this. I’m glad because I cried on the way to work this morning and in
between jobs. I feel like someone has taken an axe to my insides.
Somehow the realization has hit me that no matter what I do I can’t
change the past. I can’t change what has been and life is what it is. I
feel so empty.

I feel that feeling in my jaw, in my neck, in my
knees and legs… you know that feeling… the one where you feel sort of
hollow and like maybe you’ll collapse, like maybe you’re not even
alive. There’s a small flame of panic embedded in your heart surrounded
by some sort of numb pain so that you feel like a shell, yet on the
outside you function normally. At Starbucks I’m all smiles and
courtesy, making the customers happy and getting good tips. One thing
I’m good at is making the people like me… I am certainly a people
pleaser. I chase after approval, always have and always will. My
stomach feels as if it’s made out of plastic and as if huge tarantulas
are crawling around inside of it. My knees feel like the joints are
filled with jell-o. I can’t seem to stop grinding my teeth and there
are tears poised at the edges of my eyes. I don’t really know what’s
wrong with me and I’m not completely positive what started this
although I have my suspicions. Therapy is good for me overall, but
sometimes I bite off way more than I can chew and this time I’m having
a hell of a time swallowing, to the point where I think I’m simply
going to die.

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Honey…. I’m going to be brutally honest tonight, because that is the mood I’m in right now. STOP THIS! STOP THIS! STOP THIS! YOU have CONTROL over your life NO MATTER what you think. Lu? YOU CAN turn this around. I KNOW you are strong. Think about your future, MAKE it the BEST it can ever be. THINK of your heart! Make it SMILE You have a WONDERFUL husband. Indulge!

Gosh that sounded harsh, but dang it……I DON’T want you to use up beautiful days the rest of your life……seeing a therapist,,,,,,I want you to MOVE FORWARD……..NO CUTTING…..You LOVE Yourself! You look awesome……You have a great family! YOU ARE STRONG, you just do NOT give yourself the credit to LET go of the past……Let Go, Let God!

I’m sorry you are feeling like this, I wish there was something that I could say or do that would help you…all I can offer you is virtual hugs. ♥HUGS♥

April 21, 2005

Sending hugs and hoping you feel better soon.

April 21, 2005

Now its obvious to me that satan moves in waves. I almost considered suicide this week… that’s how bad it got for me. So many people I know are suffering some emotional/mental/spiritual trial…. HANG ON ! IT WILL PASS!!

I woke this morning just thinking about *you*. I had to come write again…….I’m soooo sorry that I was soooooo harsh in the above notes, but you KNOW that I CARE……….Care……..Care! I want you to achieve the highest level of satisfaction and contentment in your life, with SPICE thrown in! Can I be honest again?…..cont……..

I feel that the novel you are writing about your, *dream daddy* is living in the past…or RE living the past, possibly keeping you from moving forward. I mean, it makes me feel as if you are dwelling on the past, and looking backwards instead of forward toward the LIGHT. Please turn your head around, see what GOD has in store for you……..Smile Remember, I love you!

ahhh yikes just remember- God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.

April 22, 2005

No, you can’t change the past. It will never go away, but you can relish the here and now. I know all too well that empty hollow feeling. Then, I write. I pour my heart into whatever poem or diary entry I write. I then look around at all I have and what I have accomplished despite of my childhood…damn it feels good.You are the best at who you are. Nothing will change that! Love the mad cow

April 22, 2005
April 22, 2005

hi, PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ dnt comit suicide as soomn as u get that thought slap your self hard. or get a elastic band and rap it round yr rists wen ever u feel like it ping the band,. i do it so i dnt cut.

April 22, 2005

Praying for you – knowing that this will pass – don’t lose the faith – you’re being challenged but all will be OK. – B-

April 22, 2005

that is the best news ive had all day

April 22, 2005

I’m sorry you are feeling this way*hug* I hate when I feel like almost feels like you are at war with yourself…get happy again, ok?

Ive realised that age doesnt matter, we can all get that feeling, all feel depressed. I hope you feel better soon. x

April 23, 2005

Please don’t be so hard on yourself, try to look at the positive… try to think positive, as you always tell me! Hang in there, I know you are fighting with some physical (brain chemistry) and emtional issues. Love you always, your daughter!

April 23, 2005

i thought of you when i saw this… hope you’re feeling better. hugs,

April 23, 2005

lol, lucky dog! According to my sister, Ra really likes Strawberry banana baby food. Doesn’t surprise me, really. Have a good day at work!