In Waking

Love.

Throughout my struggles as documented here, I have sought a new therapist. I finally found one. I am very hopeful to begin a new round of treatment. It may not “fix” me, because I don’t totally believe I need to be fixed. I believe I have my own unique way to love people. Maybe I haven’t always succeeded, but I hope it has been felt in my messages to each of you that I have interacted with.

Because of the treatment, I am going to be busy. I like this space. I haven’t had it for long. It continues to be useful, and I also know that I would miss all of you if I left it. According to my therapist, I should remove pointless pressures. I have begun doing so already. This diary is a weight for me. I have to remember it, and remembering is very difficult for me. Sometimes, I feel so much confusion inside that literally all I can do is remember to breathe. I have anxiety issues, among many others. Even now, while writing this, I am trying to help some of my friends. And I can’t, and I don’t like to feel helpless, but I am, and I cry about it. I don’t feel bad about it, but I do cry about it. Because I love my friends, and I really hate not being able to help them. And so, I am just reminding myself to breathe.

This diary is a weight for me. But it is not pointless, because this space is not pointless, because the messages we have shared are not pointless. I know I do not know any of you – not really, anyway. I feel like as much as we can share with the technology we have, nothing will ever be the same as sitting in the same room, in the same space, as a roomful of people that love and care for you. Despite that, my love for each of you is just as real as the feelings you are feeling as you read my words. Thank you for reading. I will love you always.

Amen.