Good love is hard to find

I am still hiding at the lake cottage.

I don’t want to go back to reality and face probing eyes and questions about why I’m not hungry or why I look so tired.

I can’t stay here forever but today I wish I could. I hurt so bad that I cannot bear to face people.

My lover confessed that he tricked me and fooled me into believing the other affair he had been having was over, only to go right back to her once he regained his foothold in OUR relationship.

What is her allure?

Is she prettier than me? Does she make him feel more like a man? Did I rob him of his manhood with my ugly dominance and my lurid fantasies? Did I make him bisexual and piss in my own well by having playful fantasies that he wanted to turn into reality once the idea and the words escaped my lips? Do I deserve all of this for everything he ever said I did wrong or for everything I ever did to annoy or upset him?

I miss him so much. I hurt so bad. I can’t feel my heart and my soul is no longer inside of me. I feel anxious…like I will die from the panic of him not being here.

Soon it will be winter and how will I survive the short days and long nights with nothing but an empty heart and memories? How will I survive without ever feeling his lips on mine again or his breath and soft words in my ear?

Will I ever again look into the face of a man that I love as I climax?

I will never feel my lover’s warm and familiar hands on the tattoo near my lower back that represents the love I have for him.

Please God, don’t let me die of fear or from the painful longing I have for the man that doesn’t love me. That seems like a cruel fate to inflict on someone that was already made painfully aware of that fact.

I cannot accept that I will never see him again, that I will never see his eyes light up when he looks at me. I will never again watch the smile creep over his face or hold him and breathe in his rich, manly smell….the one I hold so dear that I sleep with his sweat stained t shirt up to my face at night.

How am I going to accept that he doesn’t want me anymore?

He was not keen on me giving him oral sex because that is what his other lover provided and I was pigeonholed and earmarked for a different purpose and I don’t know how I can feel any more sick or sad about that. Now I find out that I didn’t matter much to him. I meant less to him than she did.

In the end it was her that he couldn’t live without…not me.

I cannot bear to block his calls and texts but I know I must summon the strength to do so. My plan is to build up my strength little by little, day by day, so I don’t fall into an abyss of panic when I no longer have any avenue of communication. Somehow it feels better that he tries to reach me and I am petrified that he will soon give up and move on with her and I will have been nothing at all. I will have to accept that as my reality, and I don’t think I have what it takes to be able to do that.

I am nothing at all right now, alone at a picnic table in the dark hurting for the touch of someone that has the ability to make me whole, but who would instead rather break me into a million tiny pieces to throw into the air like radioactive confetti.

I’ve never in my life felt this scared and alone.

Please baby, make it all go back to the way it was before you loved her more than me. Please let me feel your body against mine and your face in my chest just one more time and please don’t leave me alone for the rest of my life because without you I am dying.

Please my lover, wipe away all the memories of how you have forsaken me even though I gave you more than I have ever given anyone else. Please let me run my fingers through your hair and down your back one more time.

If I knew that the last time I saw you was going to be the last time I would ever touch you, I would have given anything to make it last even one more hour.

Take me back to when I could believe in you and when I went to bed at night knowing and believing that when I woke up you would be there loving me.

When I met you, you promised that if I exposed myself to you, you would love me and hold me in the highest regard.

I exposed myself to you and you mocked me by allowing someone else inside our sacred emotional shelter. Now you’re gone and I’m alone and I wonder when I will stop crying out for you.

I have to accept the truth that trying your hardest and doing your best doesn’t mean you will succeed in holding on to what is important to you.

As much as it kills me to believe it, someone else’s best was better than mine.

I HAVE to let go of the belief that hard work guarantees success, cuz I worked my ass off to make our love affair successful and I failed. I failed and I’m so scared to walk without you holding my hand. I am lost. Success was not meant to be mine, and from this I will learn an excruciatingly painful lesson.

Success is not final;

Failure is not fatal;

It is the courage to continue that counts.