How Bad

He’s cut me off before.

But he’s never blocked my text messages.

I immediately saw how poorly I came at this.  I said “you hurt my feelings;” I should have said, “my feelings were hurt.”  So he felt blamed.

He said I was letting him down.

I wanted him to apologize for the fight.  I wanted him to see that was he said was unkind.

And I still want it.

And now he feels unsafe being angry with me.  But I feel like there’s got to be a boundary between being free to be angry and being mean, rude, or disrespectful.

But he would argue he was none of those things.

So.  What’s going on here.  What is really going on?  He feels threatened.

I hate that I can’t talk to him!

But, I’m also hurting because I feel like this has to mean the end of us.  I normally don’t spend too much time in the “this has to be it” place, but maybe this is.

Because he is a man-child.  He is an emotional toddler.  And I am scared to have him help raise the boys.  When you’ve made some sad, you can say you’re sorry.  Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault.  It means I see that that hurts you.  And I’m sorry that that hurt you.

But part of me is also like, am I being gaslighted?  Did I really fuck up?

I did, in some ways.  I should have thought about what I wanted to say for a longer period of time.  I was upset when I reached out.

I should have said something more like, can I share how I feel…  I feel disappointed by…  It was a fuck up to open with “you hurt my feelings.”

I know better than things like that.  I really do.

This is also the chance to get out of this, though.  He is the most wonderful thing to have happened to me, but there is so much that’s off.

And the truth is, I don’t know if I can come back from it.  Maybe it was subconscious sabotage?  I cannot imagine ever touching him and it feeling safe or being touched by him.  Sex feels like a thousand-pound weight.  God no.  We can’t find intimacy here anymore.

God this sucks.  But it’s also ok.  I’m free now.  And he’s free now.

We’ve got a lot of freedom to cultivate.

Sucks that he won’t be sharing my rent, though.  I could have really used that.

 

How would we come back from this?  I still think he should apologize.  But he never will.  And that also sucks.

He fucking blocked me!  We are 30!  He blocked me.  And I’m stewing.

But I can’t reach out to him.  All I can do is honor his space.

How many days do I wait before I drop his stuff off?  (I’ve already packed it up).  3?  Is three days enough days that I go – y0u know, I’m worth not being cut off for 3 days?

 

I’m sorry I articulated so poorly.  What I wanted to say was see me, please.  That interaction hurt and I felt zero empathy in it or afterward.

That’s all there was to it.  Please see how I am hurting too.

 

He fucking knocked my picture frame off the wall from hitting my wall.  He didn’t apologize for that.

 

I’m scared.  I am so scared.  Because he’s also my friend and I will miss him.  And I have so much love for him.

I’m at peace with this, too.  If this is what he needs, this is what he needs.

But I also want to fight for us too.  Because we could be so great.  And I know what I needed to say now.

 

There’s part of me still, though, that’s like, hey, I matter too.  My experience mattered too and you got angry with me, which felt unfair!  And never acknowledged that.  Or the fact that I called you today and apologized.  I did feel sorry.  I responded like a brute.  If he had acted as I did, I’d be heartbroken.

What I was trying to say was that I felt a lack of empathy.  That’s the bottom line.

And that I don’t want my kids to grow up and act like that!  I’m terrified of him moving in.  And parenting my kids.  And them growing up and exhibiting this behavior.  He’s just like my dad.

 

It’s ok if we break up.  If it happens, it’s what we need.  I can find some no strings attached sex.  Something light, weightless.

I hate him so much too.  He’s domineering, dismissive, tantrum-prone.

Do I tell him to suck it and just go out to Berkeley?  When do I make that call?

How many days is he going to ignore me?  Is he punishing me?  Because it’s working.

My fear is that we end it without getting a final say.  A chance to say what I’m processing now.

But maybe we should call it?  Maybe the pressure is too much.  No, that’s not it.  Maybe we just won’t line up.  That’s ok.  That’s better than staying in it when it doesn’t work.  Forcing it.

I have to really let him go.

But I don’t think this is the end.  But I do want to fuck him up.  I literally want to hit him.  Which is part of how I know I still care.

And I talked to Becky about him, so I definitely ruined any chance of a relationship there.

But maybe his anger is not ok with me.  Maybe his expression is rude, disrespectful.  Which is 100% forgivable; I always say stupid shit when I’m upset (hello- today).  But own it.  OWN IT.

But also, thank god this is happening before he moved in, ya know?  That would have been an extra pain in the ass.  Though, I did just move Marlon into my room today.  And that was a fucking pain, so, yeah.  Not doing it again for a while.

I felt hurt because I didn’t feel recognized.  Why didn’t he think of me?