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Silent Sam

August 15, 2019
Drew and I spoke last night.  For hours.  And hours.  And hours. Like 6 hours. And I don't know that we are on the same page still.  I think we are in these ways: -I came at him in a way that could have been more mature -his boundary of stopping when he says "I…
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Recent Entries

  • Processing
    August 13, 2019
    I called and apologized.  I felt like I had reacted strongly when he had been really really vulnerable.  I had gotten to be really unkind and impatient and short and rude.  And I felt bad about it.  I didn't want to traumatize him or deter him from opening himself up again in such a kind…
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  • Crickets
    August 12, 2019
    I think I am done crying today. He still has me blocked on all forms of communication.  Except Venmo.  Hah. I had a good phone conversation with Tracy about it. I'm on the mend.  I am sad to see us dissolve, especially like this.  But I see the opportunity here.  I can choose if I…
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  • Day two of silence
    August 12, 2019
    I'm still blocked. He broke up with me when he blocked me.  He didn't mean to, I guess. But I don't do breaks.  And what else could this be posing as?  I'm just supposed to back off until you're ready to talk?  I have no idea if he's over there having ended things.  I have…
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  • How Bad
    August 12, 2019
    He's cut me off before. But he's never blocked my text messages. I immediately saw how poorly I came at this.  I said "you hurt my feelings;" I should have said, "my feelings were hurt."  So he felt blamed. He said I was letting him down. I wanted him to apologize for the fight.  I…
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  • Miracles 22: Ego’s Perceptions of Others
    August 8, 2019
    Five ways I have separated myself from others: Being upset with the way Drew was dismissing me getting several beds Not liking Abbey's hair today The old woman next door when Greywind barked at her Tracy taking pictures in front of her new house Talking about Zach 1. How do I judge others? I judg...
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  • Tales
    July 18, 2019
    What really happened: He sent me a video of Aubrey Marcus and Whitney announcing their breakup. What I told myself it meant: He has let me go.  He's cool with whatever while I'm a codependent baby.  He isn't, nor has he ever really been, in it for a long haul.  Not committed. What really happened...
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  • Burdens All Around
    July 17, 2019
    It's probably not as big of a deal as it feels. I was already feeling stress and apprehension having to ask you for help.  I don't like accepting your help because I don't understand where it comes from.  Gifts feel unclear.  Like pushed forward efforts. So when I asked you if you could take the&...
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  • Miracles 18: I am grateful for my body
    July 12, 2019
    Fearful thought: My body is too big.  The skin around my belly is too loose and saggy. Miracle-minded Response: I recognize this thought as cultural conditioning.  Because only "perfectly" bodied women are featured in the media.  Because I watched my mom stop dressing her body because she didn't ...
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  • Fireworks and Trips
    July 9, 2019
    We argued in the morning.  We didn't have to.  But he left and started his tantra without me.  And this wouldn't have bothered me (I was feeling highly self-aware about chanting together), except that we had agreed to do it together.  And then when I asked him about it, he didn't know. He was ups...
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