Last night as I was trying to sleep, I thought to myself that it would be so nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts where random, unknown people could read them. I have trouble telling people how I feel about them face to face or how they have wronged me. Little did I know that places like this actually do exist on the net. I am not sure why I am surprised, you can find almost anything on the net. So here I am giving this a try, to see if this will help make sense, or at least get rid of, some of the emotions I feel on a daily basis. My therapist says writing is good for me, but I hate the act of physical writing! See, I have suffered with depression and anxiety most of my teen and adult life…writing is a good technique to make sense of the things that run riot in my head, but I never really feel like physically writing. So here I am!
I will not reveal too much about myself, some very strange people out there, but am in my 40’s, gay and as I said, chronically depressed and also suffer from bouts of anxiety. My anxiety used to be much worse, it drove me to suicide and ended up in a mental health facility for 3 weeks (the best thing that has ever happened to me). Since then the anxiety is very much under control, my depression too! But I know that the work to keep them at bay never ends. We have to keep working at them to keep those pesky little demons at bay!
Who am I? Good question, I guess in my forty some years I have always struggled to identify who I am, but in the past couple of years since my stay in the facility I have begun to really understand who I am. I am a humble, simple, loving, caring, kind soul who wears his heart on his sleeve and cries at the site of dead animals on the side of the road. I am unappreciated by most, but the few that do are highly loved and appreciated by me. I am old school when it comes to love, trust and matters of the heart. I am very logical, not much a dreamer and not much one of faith, I like to feel, see, smell, hear and taste to believe. I am no longer religious (again with the touch, see, feel, taste, hear) but I do believe in something…call me spiritual if you like.
I am insecure at times, low on self-esteem and confidence. Not much of a peoples person, it takes me long to trust someone and invite them into my life. I guess its a protection mechanism from all the hurt I have been through in the past. I think we all tend to have walls built up around us over time, its just the height and thickness that varies. I love to help people, but as I have recently discovered a lot of that is due to me not having to focus on my own problems. Its easier to help others than to help ourselves, that has always been the case for me. I am not very successful in love…nor friendships. I am pessimistic most of the time, but try my best to be more realistic and sometimes optimistic when the need arises. Its hard to form a new frame of thought when all you have had all your life to survive was pessimism. But I try. I like order, structure, things in their place, routine and so on. Nothing wrong with that, but at times we need a bit of chaos and spontaneity. Its a balancing act I am trying to figure out.
I love family, specifically my family. It bring me great comfort and joy. Sad to say I have lost my elder brother and my father…so my family has whittled away. I do not have a partner of my own, nor do I have any kids. I always wanted to be a father but fate just hasn’t shone favorably on me in that respect.
I am currently unemployed due to having lost my job in late 2022. I am stuck not quite knowing where I want to be and what I want to do but I need to get a move-on, time and money are running out!
I have recently discovered I am quite creative, not something I have really explored in the past, but something that gets me smiling and excited. So it’s definitely something I will explore going forward.
The purpose of this, I guess, is to delve deeply into moments in my life that have been quite altering, painful, joyful, life-changing etc. To write how I feel about each event and/or person. To look at things from both sides of the fence and try to find the lesson in it all so I can continue to grow as an adult and individual.
With that done, let me carry on another day…