12.08

 it’s always a few years that pass before I revisit my blog posts.
I’m always surprised when I re read my old posts, I can’t believe I ever was in that broken state.
If you knew me now, you would never even imagine.
However, I believe that a small part of me from that time is still with me even to this day.
It’s small, but when I am in any state of sadness, it’s almost like my 17 year old me takes over and I feel even more depressed, even more sad, even more upset then I normally should. 

sometimes I even feel the urge to resort to self harm
this seems to only be triggered if its related to romantic relationships/men.
how strange is that?

In a past post I read how I force myself to be happy, and think only positive things and that I am okay with everything.
I wonder if I am actually okay?
When I do I feel that type of sadness again, I always want to hurt myself.
Did my high school break up truly traumatize me that much?
if so, how strange something like that would still affect me now.

anyways, its been another 2 years since I last posted.
ive been in a comitted relationship the last 2 years.
crazy right? after all these sad, single posts for 10 years .. here I am finally am.

i always define our relationhip as
he’s an aries and I’m a scorpio.
assuming that information is enough to let you understand how our relationship is
(assuming you are interested in astrology)
fire + water

he’s stable, kind, and silently supportive.
honestly, i’ve been questioning our relationship recently.
i don’t know the true reasning for my questioning though.
is it because we have been together this long, or is it because I am afraid of commitment
or perhaps it’s because i’ve fallen out of love?
I don’t know, and its a little scary to confront.

I understand not every relationship is perfect
and we should not and cannot change any person
we should accept everyone for how they are, flaws and all correct?
which is why I am trying not to think too much into my questioning.

in an old post, I wrote about having expectations in a relationship
and how I had expressed that to my “at the time s/o”
but here I am again, having expectations and having them not completely met.
so then am I the one with the problem?
is it my expectations that stop me from being happy with someone?

It’s rather frustrating how much my emotions truly control how I act.
I know I shouldn’t react a certain way, but I feel so strongly
about something that I can’t help it.
all I do is feel, feel, feel.
if I try to tell myself its okay, or not to take it so personally, or try not to be bothered by it
then I just end up crying.

am i okay?

This post is a bit all over the place, I’m just free writing as I’m feeling/thinking.
it’s not suppose to be fancy or make sense, I don’t know.
it’s my first time to post here.
I use to blog (privately) years ago.
I suppose now I decided to post in this community –  maybe because secretly I am hoping to find other people who may relate to how I feel?
I don’t know.
anyways, please be gentle.