23. Back again

Kinda losing interest in updating this thing. Maybe it’s laziness, idk. Or maybe I’m just tired. First things first, I was going to update a week or so ago about a revelation I made.

ive been feeling pretty good about myself. Weird, because I still think I’m unattractive, annoying, and a thousand other things, but like, feeling good about it. Like “yea so what I’m an annoying and ugly piece of shit? Who cares, I’m awesome!!”

actually, wording it like that helped me figure out the next part of what I was about to say.

So since I’ve been feeling good about myself, I let myself think about being back together with my guy (not calling him my ex. Don’t wanna group him in with those losers) and immediately felt like shit about myself again. Now let me clarify that he never made me feel like shit about myself. He never did anything but try to build me up. I don’t see things the way he does but I always appreciated the fact that he saw me a lot better than I ever did.

amyway, My thought about why that was, was that while I was feeling great about my ugly stupid self, I didn’t feel good enough for him. Aaaaaand as I was typing that paragraph up above, i figured out WHY. Man, maybe I SHOULD update this thing more often. Saying it out loud and writing it on paper didn’t cause it to click.

my thought NOW…. Is that I’ve been feeling good, but not attractive, but not feeling a need to feel attractive because I’m not seeing anyone. But the second I thought about seeing someone again…. I felt not good enough because I don’t feel attractive. Boom. Got it figured out.

Anyway. More important matters have come up with my daughter and I’m feeling weirdly victimized. This kid skitzed out because I took her phone. Normal teenage stuff I guess, to a point, but I feel like she has me by the balls right now. I feel beat down, sad, scared of what this pattern of behavior is going to lead to, a thousand other things that I can’t identify. I had to take her to crisis because she spazzed out so bad and threatened to hurt herself, then texted the police threatening to hurt herself. All of my feelings on this matter are all swirling around up in my damn brain and I’m having a hard time articulating them. More to come on this later, but right now I’m not ready to go into it.