Day Three

Day Three

Its hot again and so muggy. When did I move to the center of the sun?

Yesterday was just as warm, the back of my knees were sweating like what the fuck. How is that even a thing?

Yesterday my dad popped over and I cried. Finally cried after trying to cry for days. It was mostly about the education system and how they’ve failed my child and how frustrating it all is. I won’t go until detail about it because it’s all I seen to talk about in my life. And I want this to be a space for me.

Anyway like I said I cried and got a dad hug. It really helped. Then I went to see my friend for a bit and they’re such a light in my life. They refresh my soul.

So I feel a bit better today. I can still feel the darkness trying to creep into my chest but I can keep it at bay today. When I’ve crawled out of the pits of depression even the smallest amount I can always see more clearly. I don’t feel so bad for myself when its to do with the cosmic soul.

Normally we’ll send Instagram reels to each other. Last few days they’ve not sent me many so I’ve only sent two today. Normally there’s loads but why should I be the one to hurt constantly? Why should I be the one to try and grapple a connection back. They’re just as capable of messaging. The coldness from them is a reflection of what they were like before. The reason I seeked happiness elsewhere and found someone who wanted to actually be with me. And not ten years too late.

Protecting themselves or not i still have feelings. I still have a heart that beats and breaks. And leaving me on read is just rude. I don’t care if the conversation has come to an end naturally but when it’s like a question. Or we’re having a conversation and then they don’t reply. That’s rude. You don’t do that to people, you don’t have a conversation with someone face to face, then stop talking and just walk off in person. Everyone would be horrified so why is ok in a message form?

Sometimes I like being angry at the cosmic soul. It’s easier, it hurts less. It makes me realize they’re just a normal person and not some idol I have to worship.

In home news, my partner is being so cold you could freeze the artic. They never ask how my day is, never ask if I’m ok unless I’m very clearly upset. I Wonder what it’s like to be married to someone who seems to actually like you and not just belittle you for anything you say or do?

I’ve got to turn this all round. My life I mean, I’ve got to stand up for myself. I used to be so strong willed and be filled with fire. I need that back!

I’ve got my driving test soon and I’m determined to pass. I think I could do it you know. Actually pass, then I’ll get a car and I can take my child out for days out. Just us two, I’ll have a taste of freedom

I’ve got to turn my hurting heart off, become me again and not a shadow of what’s happened to me.

I used to really like make up, I wasn’t any good at it but I loved it. I want that back, I want to feel good in my own skin and be confident again. Fuck what everyone else thinks of me, fuck what people have done to me. It’s time to relight that fire. It’s time to make everyone burn around me until they see im back. I will become whole again.