I feel like I have already been at work for 14 hours today! I have had the biggest headache since Wednesday! I hope it goes away so I can enjoy the weekend. We are suppose to go to a birthday party for a friends daughter, but honestly the thought of being social is exhausting. I probably need to talk to the doctor and see about perhaps getting back on my anti depressants . Normally I would be excited as I have Monday off work as a PTO day, however we are going to court to wrap up everything from “last summer” .
Speaking of last summer and all that, J and I were talking about it a bit more in detail ( we dance around the topic and haven’t not gone into a full discussion of our reality and recall of what happened. Last night, I asked him a question and he admitted he only remembers bits and pieces of what happened, and obviously doesn’t know what happened from mine and the children’s perspectives at all. Honestly, I haven’t been ready or willing to talk about it with him, as I did not want to be gaslighted, I didn’t want to be told I was wrong, or I was at fault. I have stood my ground and know what the truth is, and know the why’s and whens. I was not intoxicated. However, last night we stuck our toes in the water to see how receptive each were in talking about these events, and It went well. J was heartbroken when he heard a few things, and seemed genuine when he said he did not know, remember this happening. He then said ” This is a huge bomb of information right now. I am going to need to call my doctor tomorrow and make sure that I let her know and we work through this.” The conversation ended with me receiving a little bit of validation I needed, and hopefully, with him having a bit more understanding and depth of the actions I took, for him, the kids, are family. I do think he realizes I got backed into a wall due to addiction, and was making on the spot, life saving choices. It was a mixed bag of emotions for me, because I chose to work through this and analyze this, and contemplate this for a solid year, not discussing this with ANYONE. I needed to sit with it and go through it instead of taking the go ignore it and act like it didn’t happen approach. I also have kept this so close to my chest it was hard to let go of it to. It was hard to speak my own truth. I know that doesn’t make sense, as it doesn’t make much sense to me either.
It’s quiet so far at work today, which is needed. I desperately need to work on a project I was assigned, however am finding it increasingly difficult to focus and stay on task. I really just want it to be 4:30, to pack my stuff away, and drive my little car to the house.
Still contemplating subscribing to the year. I love this platform, and I enjoy it, and now I am at a job where I would be afforded the quiet spots of time to journal more, however, I am a cheapskate and there are free platforms. However this was home for so long. This was my touchstone to document. I still received no response from OD in trying to reclaim my old diary, I imagine its going to be difficult as I no longer have access to that email either ( which i wish i did). Its a tad bit sad, but unfortunately, is life. I will have to make sure I copy paste post on both here and prosebox in order to preserve these random ramblings.
For now I guess I will close, as I am at a loss of what more to write. I don’t have a laptop at home, I do have my kindle, but I will be taking the laptop home this weekend in case I have any last minute documents or anything that is needed for our attorney prior to Monday’s hearing.
Happy Fri YAY everyone.