Confessions of a Middle Aged Trainwreck

“A life of quiet desperation”.   I’ve reached an age where (most likely) more years are behind me than are left to live. As a bright eyed 18 year old it never entered my mind that 32 years later a partial, botched Thoreau quote would be the theme of my existence.

Materials things aren’t really important to me but it would be nice to have as much money as there is month at least every once in a while.  An impossible dream in my world. After 16 years of striving to prove my worth to the owners, the less I make and the harder I work.  Realistically, the only way that changes is to let go of my fear and leave.

I have skills and talents they take advantage of for their own advancement. Somehow, since those things aren’t technically part of my job (but I am required to do them since they know I have the knowledge) it is their point of view that it shouldn’t be considered in calculating my salary. That round and round argument has gone on for too long with me just shutting up, putting my head down and working even harder. As the sole supporter of a disabled spouse and my preteen granddaughter they know I can’t just walk.

Fear has guided almost every step I’ve taken as far back as I can remember. In childhood it was fear of the fighting and the alcohol fueled rages and after the parents split it was the fear of her next boyfriend or which of her drunk moods would come out to play on any given night. Would she be the screeching shrew berating me for coming along and ruining her life? The sobbing, contrite mommy who wishes she could buy me the world? The over the top seductress who didn’t have a care in the world as she entertained god knows who on the other side of our cheap apartment walls? Would she be the troubled friend who was struggling with bills and needed 7 year old me to balance her checkbook, add up the bills that were due and make a grocery list to feed us for 6 days on $15? One just never knew.

Well, I guess that is enough gut spewage for my intro post. Hopefully, it will be invisible like me and nobody else will ever even see it.