inability to cope

Sometimes I just need my Mamaw….I wish she could just be here for one day…one day would be enough to remind me of what her voice sounded like, and what she smelled like, and the way she hugged me, and everything special anout her that made her Mamaw. I just wish she could be here for one FUCKING moment. She was everything to me, and I will NEVER see her again. I wish I would, I wish heaven was real, I wish god was real, but it’s not. And as much as it fucking sucks that I know she’s not out there somewhere watching me, I guess I’m somewhat relieved, because she’d be so ashamed of the things I’ve done….it’s been so long since I got to feel her hug me and tell me that everything could be forgiven, and okay….I just need to see her so bad…I can’t even dream of her anymore, and it breaks my fucking heart. I NEED HER TO BE HERE. I CAN"T DEAL WITH KNOWING THAT I’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. And when I was in therapy when I was 19 they told me I would slowly start forget her, and I thought that there was no way I would ever be able to do that, not for a second…but the more time that passes, I’m beginning to forget the sound of her voice, the way she smelled, the way she looked at me….things that I thought were such a part of me that they were ingrained, and I’m losing them….I CAN"T LOSE THEM!!! I NEED HER IN MY MIND!!! Going to the fucking cemetary doesn’t do anything, she’s not there, and her old house is not hers anymore, so it doesn’t feel like she’s there anymore either. I am just so fucing terrified of losing her….not just because I need her, but I guess because what kind of person can forget these things about someone so wonderful, someone who raised them..? I mean, she’s the only person on either side of my family that I even look like, and she was everything to me. I just don’t know how to go on without her sometimes…I’m not as strong as she was. WHY did she have to go??? This is part of the reason I don’t care about my life, or getting married, or having kids…because she won’t be here to see it. If I could just talk to her one more time….My god, I would do anything if I could just talk to her one more time, even if it was in a dream….I’m lost and I need her so fucking much. I’mm so sorry Mamaw……………………………………….I love you more than anything, and always will.