Getting Better.

A lot has happened in the last several weeks.  My last entry I wrote about how I broke up with my narc BF.  The first few weeks were rough.  More bad things kept happening to me, to the point I thought the universe was punishing me in some way.  I started to really question myself if I really did the right thing.  Now that things have leveled out, I feel better.  I know I’ve made the right choice; it was just harder than I thought it would be.  I don’t want to really talk about all the bad shit that happened to me after that.  It’s not worth talking about now.

This entry might jump around a little bit.  My thoughts aren’t very organized at the moment.  I need to really work on healing after the damage inflicted by someone I thought was supposed to love me.  I am never going to date again.  I am definitely never going to get married.  There are so many things I can do now, I don’t even know where to begin.  I think this weekend I’m going to do the cliche’ things where a woman cuts and dyes her hair after a break-up.  I bought some dark blue hair dye… something I’ve never done, and something I know N wouldn’t have liked.  I was telling my brother how N never let me light candles, and he was like, “Fuck that!” and he started lighting a bunch of candles for me.  lol.

I’ve already lost a significant amount of weight since I left him a month ago.  I can really tell, and when I got on the scale, I was shocked how much it went down.  I also had a stomach bug that contributed to that.  I was praying to a god I don’t believe in to end my life quickly those few days I was sick.  N hasn’t even really contacted me that much.  I had told him that I would help him financially for the next couple months while he looks for a job so he won’t get evicted, but only a few months.  The only time he texts me really is when he needs something… usually money.  He has not apologized for anything.  He has not taken accountability for any of his actions.  He hasn’t even tried to ask me to come back.  He hasn’t said any of the things men usually say like how they will try harder, or they are sorry, and please come back, I’ll do better.  All he has done is try to slightly make me feel guilty.  I was the last time I went to his apartment to get the last of my stuff.  He was just making little comments about how he doesn’t have as much food or cigarettes and he hasn’t been able to eat much lately.  That was about it.

I honestly thought he would try harder to make me come back, but I’m relieved that he hasn’t.  His behavior shows me that never really cared about me and he never loved me.  He liked what I did FOR him.  I was his bank.  I don’t think he even really truly liked me as a person.  The fact that I haven’t heard from him in over a week makes me think he’s probably trying to find his next victim to sponge off of.  He was always making comments about my weight and never told me I was beautiful, so maybe he’ll find a hot skinny girl to leach off of.  That’s fine with me, but I wish there was a way to warn any other women, because I don’t want anyone else treated that way.

So anyway, at work I saw Chris.  He stopped me in the hallway.  He was like, “Did you happen to get a message from me recently?”  I was like, “Um, no.  Should I have?”  He told me his GF told him she hacked into his FB messenger and messaged me and that I supposedly messaged back.  I was like, “Um, no.  That’s impossible.  I have you blocked because she’s already tried to do that once, and I don’t want her fucking with me again.”  He was like, “So she basically lied to me to see if I was cheating on her?”  I was like, “Yep.  Sounds like it.  Have fun with all that.”  LOL.   So to catch up, Chris and I used to be FWB, but then he got with his current GF.  Him and I didn’t talk for a while because I was mad at him.  But for some reason, he told his GF about me.  I don’t know why he would?  If I was just a FWB, why would I have enough significance to tell his current GF about me?  Anyway, he said he told her because he wanted to be honest with her about his past.  But instead of taking that as a sign to trust him, it made her go fucking nuts.  She hacked into his FB messenger and read all of the messages between me and him from before they even got together.  Now she said she can track his phone to see where he’s at in our building at work.  She’s apparently talked some people who work here into spying for her… they found out my work schedule, so she knows I’m here for an hour the same time he is.  They also tell her anytime they catch me and him just talking.  It’s really fucking weird.  Psychotic.

Anyway, I’m just glad I’m single again.  No man to take care of like a giant, fucking child.  I can do whatever I want.  Say whatever I want.  I’m living with my brother, his GF, his son, and my mom at the moment until I save up to get my own place.  It’s loud and my mom is nuts, but it’s still different.  Like everyone there likes me and I don’t have to walk on eggshells.  I don’t have to watch what I say for fear of pissing someone off.  They all get my sense of humor and laugh with me.  We have fun watching fun things.  It’s just better than being emotionally abused every day.  It is still a bit chaotic, so I’ll have to find somewhere of my own.  And my mom still thinks I’m a child.  I’ve already had to tell her, I just spent the last 3 years being controlled by one person, and I’m damn sure not going to do it again.  She backed off after that.

Sorry if the grammar was terrible in this entry.  I’m just trying to get all my thoughts out.  Just feeling better enough to be able to talk about it all.

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January 12, 2023

I really am proud of you for leaving.  Sounds like it’s been really hard on you but you didn’t go back and I know what a big deal that is.  You will find a place of your own eventually.  I’m just glad for now you have a place to stay.  Hang in there!!