Wedding, Relationships, and Depression.

I went to my friend Cheris’s wedding last Friday.  I took the day off because I knew I was going to have to go shopping to find something to wear.  I’ve gained so much weight, I knew I didn’t have anything that fit.  So I went to some clothing store in town and I spent 2 hours in there trying to find something that didn’t look completely ridiculous on me.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen myself in a full-length mirror, so when I tired on that first dress, my jaw literally dropped.  I looked so fucking disgusting.  I knew I looked bad, but I didn’t realize how truly terrible.  I felt so disgusted.  I couldn’t find anything that looked okay.  I finally just settled for a pair of black pants that were way too long because I’m so short, and a blue shirt, but you could see how fat my arms and stomach were.  It was just the best I could do at that point.

So when I got to her house, not many people were there yet, so it was just really awkward.  I wasn’t allowed to go in the house because her finance doesn’t like people in there.  She’s anal about cleanliness.  She’s really sweet, so it’s not like she was being mean or anything, that’s just how she is.  But it was just a few random people standing around awkwardly while Cheris and Kayla got ready.  I started drinking to take the edge off my social anxiety.  More and more people arrived and once most people were there, I remember just sitting there and realizing how fucking different I was from all those people.  It made me miss my best friend, Lora (who won’t respond to any of my messages).  If she were there with me, we’d be sneaking shots, and laughing, and having a great time.  There were older ladies there looking at me all judgmental because I had a bottle in my hand, but didn’t look twice at the dudes with the beers.  After the ceremony some of us even talked about doing karaoke, and I heard one lady say, “We don’t need to hear drunks who think they can sing…”  I was like damn.  It’s a fucking party.

I ran into one girl I went to school with.  She was there with her husband who apparently works at the plant with me.  I watched the two of them interact, and I could just see the look on her face every time he spoke, she was not happy.  I talked to a few other couples too, who were obviously not very happy either.  I met a guy that works in maintenance 3rd shift, who says he’s married to a girl in packaging, and he was just saying all this shit about her most of the night about how good things were when they first got together, and now she’s mean.  All of it just goes to prove my theory that I have never met a couple that has been together for a long time that is actually happy.

On Saturday I worked.  Saw CM again.  He asked if I was still with the douche, I said yes.  I asked if he was still with Hailey and he said yes.  He was telling me how they try to keep working on things.  He asked me if me and my douche try to work on stuff and I just said no.  He thinks there’s nothing to work on.  If someone doesn’t see a problem with their behavior, they don’t think there’s a reason to change.  And I’m way past the point of caring anymore to work on anything.  I remember Friday night was telling the maintenance guy and Elizabeth that I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see that we’re not a good match.  How does he not see it’s not a good relationship?  They both told me because he’s getting everything he needs from the relationship and I’m not.  That’s why he doesn’t see it.  Which is very wise.  Makes complete sense, I guess.

On Sunday, I woke up, hoping to have a good day relaxing, and when N came in the room, he told me he got pizza, but I didn’t hear him very well because I was half asleep.  I said, “You got pizza, or you’re going to get it?”  And he like yelled at me “I GOT IT ALREADY!”  I just looked at him like WTF?  So I said, “I was just asking…” and he just walked away.  I decided not to get up after that even though I’d already slept 13 hours.  I just laid in bed for another hour crying.  I know, you’re probably like, “All he did was yell something stupid, why were you crying?”  Because I’m fucking sick of it.  It’s not just one thing, it’s all the little things added up over time.  It’s not knowing what I could say or do that sets him off to yell at me like that.  I don’t get it.  It’s constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what the reaction is going to be to the simplest fucking things.

So he came to bed and I got up because I didn’t want to be fucking near him.  After he got up later, I was in a little better mood, so I was trying to be nice again.  He was having some conversation about computer stuff and I was telling him my brother knew some stuff.  I didn’t remember exactly what was said, but he snapped at me again a few more times, so I just stopped talking.  I just laid in bed, silent, watching TV the rest of the night.  Anytime he spoke to me, I just gave him one-word answers.  He was like, “What’s wrong with you?”  I just said nothing.  Because it doesn’t fucking matter.  I could explain, but he wouldn’t understand.  He sees nothing wrong with what he does.

I’m so fucking sick of feeling this way.  I’m so sad and depressed all the time.  I’m physically sick.  I’ve been coughing for months.  I feel shitty all the time.  I wish I could die most of the time.