I woke up at 7:30 this morning, still in a fog from the 6 pack of IPAs I had last night. As I lay there, my mind raced through the same thoughts I have been drowning in for some time, along with some new ones:
My ex-wife has married again. That brings me joy, but I am certain that happiness is derived from some combination of selfishness for some of my own financial burden being lifted and an actual sense of relief that she has found her “soulmate”.
My last relationship that ended a couple of months ago won’t leave my mind. Will she reach out just to say hello or maybe even ask to meet up and talk? I struggle with the thoughts of how it ended. I have managed to not break the silence myself, but I am not sure how long it will take me to forget and move on from the thought of being with her.
A woman I met through an online dating app is flying into town today. We are supposed to meet in person on Tuesday. She is in an open marriage and only looking for a local connection when she is in town, which is a week each month. I am not sure how I feel about that yet, but that is a conversation I will need to have with her if we vibe in person.
I prompted a date with a woman yesterday and she said she would possibly reach out today, but it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen at this point. I am also planning to meet someone in Virginia next week. She has been out-of-town over the past few weeks but we have had some really nice conversations. Those conversations have waned a bit, so I am still on edge about whether or not that is going to happen.
My financial situation continues to be a struggle. I had some extra funds this month as I have caught up on my loans, and I managed to blow most of that extra money on things I perceived that I need: a running vest, running shoes, new clothing items, and skateboards for my daughter and I. I am happy with the purchases but the money could have ultimately been put to better use.
Work is bad right now. I have been working from home for the past year and most days I spend staring at a screen without actually taking the actions I need to complete my job. I am getting well behind on my current project but no one around me has a clue. A bomb is going to hit the desk of my director someday soon. Luckily, he is patient. I hope that I can find the motivation to start pushing forward at least at the pace of an average employee. I could do a lot of damage control this week if I can just get past the other thoughts I am constantly trying to process in my head.
Why did I drink alone last night? I knew that it would serve no purpose but to bring some temporary pleasure, but I did it anyway. I did manage to drink less than I normally would, so I guess there is a silver lining. I know the toll it is taking on me physically and mentally, but some days I feel a magnetic attraction to the beer aisle.
I laid in bed for a bit, swiping through new profiles on the dating apps I have installed. A woman messaged me, immediately asking about my kids. That question lingers over every conversation I have, so I was glad to get this out of the way right off the bat. As soon as I explained my situation, she responded saying that she was hesitant about being with someone that has kids. Unmatch.
Another weigh-in this morning: 206.4 lbs. Sigh. I weighed in at 205 the previous two days. The beers are just rubbing it in at this point as if the depressed mood and headache aren’t enough. Regardless, I am down 35 lbs over the past year and a half, so I have been able to look past the daily fluctuations for the most part. Moving on.
Huevos Rancheros for breakfast. Not in a super traditional sense. 1 corn tortilla warmed in the pan and topped with black beans, salsa, and a fried egg. Some cheese and cilantro would be nice, but I find those to be easy cuts to the budget and the cheese would just be unnecessary calories. The flavors are good enough. I logged into Noom to add the entry. I just started using the app and their approach is interesting. I wish the food log would provide more details on macros and such, but I understand that a calorie deficit is the most important stat for my goal (weigh-in and maintain at ~190lbs).
Breakfast was followed by a supplement regimen: Fish oil, vitamins B/D/K, caffeine, magnesium. Matcha is next. I just started drinking matcha tea, and while the taste is not all that appealing, I am a sucker for the perceived health benefits. I need to get some more ginger tea for the evenings, but the past few times at the grocery I have talked myself out of the purchase. “You can just drink water”. I crave flavored beverages in the evening though, which I attribute to my habit of emptying a 6 pack regularly. Something about the evening time draws me into that unproductive pit of drinking solo.
The 8-mile hike went well. I improved my mile time from the previous outing by 45 seconds, from 15:07 to 14:22. I didn’t necessarily feel stronger, but there was joy in seeing that much gain from one day to the next. This was my first day using proper pre-hike stretch techniques as well, so that may have had more impact than I expected. Unfortunately, my left knee is holding me back on the stretches I want to run or I think it would have been sub-14. I am not sure exactly what is causing the pain, but I may give it a rest tomorrow. I have been hiking the same stretch on the Mountains-to-Sea trail since April 31st, and my goal is to eventually run the entire route at under 10 minutes per mile. The weather was absolutely perfect after a dreadfully wet day yesterday.
Steak and grilled peppers for lunch. Dad gave me about 25 pounds of frozen meat a while back and one of the cuts was a massive sirloin. I have been eating on that sirloin for the past few days now. I bought groceries for a couple of other meals but I just haven’t needed to make them yet. I will probably start one of them tonight just to prep for the next few days. I think my options were vegan chili, spicy beef casserole, or spaghetti with a red clam sauce. I am obsessed with pasta, but I tend to overeat when I make it. The vegan chili is probably the best option.
After lunch, I have just been sitting here contemplating the same things I woke up to. Parks and Recreation is playing in the background. The last episode was about Tom divorcing his green card wife and being really torn up about it. I get it, Tom.
Anyways, one of the exercises on Noom was to write down all of my thoughts since I woke up. I did that and I just felt the desire to elaborate. I have read that keeping a journal can be helpful when trying to understand and process your thoughts and emotions. Sharing it seems appropriate too, so here it is. I have struggled with depression for a long time and I haven’t always coped in healthy ways. This feels good though.
Until next time.