Note to Eileen

Eileen ,

I am sorry! You were one of my closest friends and I messed it up. Sometimes I wish we would have never crossed the line. Other times, I wish I had given it more of a chance. Either would have been better than the outcome that occurred.

I never gave you an explaination for why I went silent and avoided you. Here it is:

I was still in love with Rena. I wasn’t ready to give her up. In the past I had tried to date other people at the same time as Rena and it never worked. She was my first love. It was really passionate. It was hard for anyone to compare. But I hadn’t been happy with her for many years. I never felt like she fully committed to me… I am not sure if it was the religion thing or the money thing… but I just never felt like she was fully committed… so I always felt open to other possiblities… but I wasn’t ready to let her go.

The night you kissed me at the stable (was that the name of that bar), I wasn’t expecting it. That didn’t mean I didn’t think about dating you. I did. But I wasn’t sure and I was still involved with Rena so I wasn’ planning on anything. Then you kissed me. It took me by surprise. I really liked it… but I knew that I would end up hurting you because I wasn’t ready to let go of Rena.

I didn’t know how to tell you that. I was a conflict avoider back then. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… but I didn’t fully understand that it was better to be direct and hurt their feelings then just disappearing. For this I am deeply sorry! I know I missed an opporutnity with you and I also hurt you very badly.

Just a year later… it could have been all different… but I had already blown it.

I guess it wasn’t meant to be… but know that you were a beautiful person with a great heart… you were probably my best friend… and I blew it.

I don’t know if you will ever read this… but if you do, I just want you to know that I hope you are happy and I want you to know that it was nothing about you that caused my behavior. It was my insecurity and immaturity.

Vince