Balancing Life!

Life sure has hit me hard and between juggling…

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My concerns for myself have fallen a side and so my  and  has been neglected!

This morning, I took my antidepressants for the first time in weeks…I don’t know if that is because I am seeing my psychiatrist this week or because I know I need to stop messing with my head and emotions and know that soon I will come tumbling down so taking the pills to prevent that although I know going on and off them constantly will just make that happen eventually! (I have done this so many times and come to this EXACT conclusion every time, but I still get to a point where I stop taking them)

 Last week it was hectic. Between my father being rushed to hospital and worrying about him I had to make sure that my BIO MOM went to her appointment for biopsy results. My dad is back home, and all is okay! He is okay and will be okay!

My Bio mom is okay, but she needs to go back in a week for her op and hopefully things will go well, and this chapter of her life will be over and she will be well again!

You know it is funny how weeks can go by, and I don’t hear anything from her;  but as soon as she knows I have been paid she will send me  and  messages! I am just waiting to receive a message from her asking me for money! Although I received a notification from my bank letting me know that money for their rent has gone! Last week I sent up money for our mother to go to the hospital, for check up!

Am I a bad daughter and sister when I have feelings of  and  when they ask for money and when I try to ignore their calls, knowing it will be for money?

 

 & 

On Saturday I went to a  class at gym, and it was fun! I actually want to get my own gloves,  (Or maybe I was just doing it wrong) but I was having fun! I can’t wait to go back this Saturday!

Every time I punched; I imagined I was punching my husband. 

But as much as I love him, he really pissed me off this weekend! And many other times too!

Like…he always tells me that because he has to work so hard during the week and how we hardly get to spend any time together during the week because he is working, the weekends are his time for me. So, on Friday he wanted to go and have his hair cut!  He wanted to go to a barber close to us, but I suggested he goes to one in a shopping center since I was going there and had things to do there and figured we could go together.  He tells me…

 way to make someone feel like shit! I was already feeling like 2nd best and then he had to throw that in my face. When I confronted him, he said that he didn’t mean it the way I took it. 

So, on  I decided to stay in bed…he kept going in and out of the flat and not once did he suggest we do something together or even come talk to me! Oh, wait he did talk to me…he just loves being complemented so made an effort to come to me and ask how his haircut looked and he kept boasting about how he is losing weight and looking good!

Saturday, I went boxing and that is when I had fantasies of boxing him! He was working so didn’t bother him and did my own thing until it was time for us to go and watch the Rugby.

Damn was it a boring game!  Stormers scored in the last like 5 minutes. The game went into half time 0 – 7

Sunday, we had a baptism and after getting him up he came with, and all was good…until afterwards! As I was driving back, I asked him if he wanted to go out and have brunch with me… So I pointed out that driving his car was more important than spending time with me; 

So, I dropped him off at home and decided I was going to do my own thing! While I was having brunch, he called me to ask what I was doing…I told him, and he told me that he was going back home now and wanted to know if I needed him to get anything or do anything…told him to

 and check the gas so we could . I got home and he wasn’t at home nor had the meat been taken out to defrost. I figured that since I was set on having  even though I wasn’t going to braai, I may as well take it out to defrost and start prepping supper.

He got home and went off about how I never reached out to wonder where he was. 

He went on to tell me that he had been arrested for 

Okay he wasn’t actually drinking and driving…but while he was driving cops stopped him and saw that his   was expired. I have been telling him for months to get it renewed!

The  did a breathalyzer test and he was over the limit!

When he told me that I just sighed and screamed in my head! Like this isn’t his 1st time! He should know that when it is the cops are on full force! Oh, after calling me he decided to have a drink before he went back home,

So, he went on to tell me that even though he had a bottle of vodka under his car seat he figured he would just pay the cop off…  (not sure how the cop let him off with just that amount) but they swopped numbers and he gave the cop our home address (even showed him where we live) so the cop phoned him yesterday telling him that he was dropping off his DUI docket… didn’t see the cop or speak to him and I don’t want to be involved.

It is times like these when I happy that our marriage hasn’t gone through the legal affairs, so as per the law I am not his wife and so I like to think I cannot be roped into any of these issues! 

Yesterday afternoon I came to the conclusion that he drowns his stresses in alcohol and is dealing with a lot of shit!

 But I am dealing with that too! And so are many other Blacks!

 

Car crash that he had over a year ago and the other driver’s insurance demanding money that he hasn’t budgeted for and cannot pay, and they are threatening severe action!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other day he saw me making online payments and he felt bad that he couldn’t see to these things or help with these payments.

 The fact that our lives are so limited and boring and mundane.  On Sunday night after he talked to me about all this, even though no final resolution has been decided upon and even though I have been thinking about what to do to resolve this I thought it would be nice if we did a   just 40 minutes away for the day we could do a game drive. Found a place that is reasonable in price. Just R 350 each. BUT figure before doing anything fun like that we should try and balance books and liabilities and stresses.

 I will always find ways to levitate the stresses and make us forget about them but then a few days later cry about how FUCKED UP WE NOW ARE! I mean early in the post and just in my previous post I was crying about money, but I am always quick on finding ways to keep things smooth and merry even when it means reckless spending. 

But 1 thing I know I can control and that is 

And so, I need to keep…

 (besides sexually) Since my husband has been filled with stressed and not in the “mood” I have been really putting my  to work! But I will admit that I have been feeling very lonely lately and thoughts of finding someone to enjoy life with, has often come into my head over the past 4 days!