Fed Up!!

He fetches me late from work…we had planned so much for tonight but because I was in a shit mood, I figured I may as well do a quick shop and then get home to clean the flat….like we also planned to do.

I didn’t think it would be 10pm and we would still be cleaning.

I gave up on the idea of supper a long time ago… I gave up on us having a romantic night…

He fucking takes his time cleaning and sweeping… and every now and then he will take a moment to stare at the lightening and thunder outside…

When I say something he will swear back at me.

When I tell him something doesn’t belong where he has put it…he will go on about how he is the one cleaning and he doesn’t want it there. Even though it has been always there…. he will then swear at me again…

I will just quietly sit in the study or bedroom and just ignore him…

Suddenly he has something to say, so he will come find me and try and get my attention. Figured I would just ignore him because I am not in the mood to listen to him swear at me or listen to him go off. It has been a long week and I am not in the mood for drama…

When he fetched me…I could sense it. We kissed hello and I could taste a cigarette on his lips. I ask him if his work had a braai…he says yes…my senses were right. He smoked to cover the taste and smell of booze.

He had been drinking at work.

He asked me why did I ask if they had a braai…I just nonchalantly reply that I was just asking and had no reason…but I just wanted to know if he had been drinking. He hasn’t told me he has, and I haven’t asked…but I know it.

I don’t know why I try so hard.

I tell myself that I am holding onto something that is worth holding onto.

I keep telling myself that things will be different and better one day.

Just because I have experienced a few good weeks…I believe that the shit few days are worth it.

I was telling my sister how a part of me hopes that we go down into restrictions, with this new variant and rise of covid cases….just so he has to stay at home with me…

But right now, I just want him to go and not come back.

Every now and then I will fantasize about being with a man that cherishes me and themselves. When I see other people and couples out drinking and having romantic dinners…I wish that was my life.

What did I do to deserve such a fucked up marriage? Why does he do this?