Manipulative
That is what my husband called me the other day…kinda used to the controlling tag name… and I guess today I learnt I am kinda a fool for him… although I am still pissed off but guess now I an willing to listen to him.
yesterday he game me a gift box with ‘Thank You’ written on it and until earlier today I never opened it…
He knows I love chocolates and junk….
Lately I keep picking up on signs that I deserve better and that I am being a fool for still being with him…
Just finished watching 
and when Ryan Pierce (Regina Hall) said her speech close to the end, I felt as if she was talking to me…
I love that quote, don’t think it is very applicable to my marriage and situation…although he doesn’t quite push me enough unless to pursue my dreams or goals.
that quote is screaming at me!! I keep saying it over and over and over again in my head.
Right now I am so amped up to show him the door and close it behind him as he walks out…but then again another part of me…
…wants to pull him from his desk and have it out with him and talk it all out.
I am thinking that is the right thing to do since…
and in Jan I already have an appointment with a fertility clinic
, they have really tried to include him, even though they really dislike him after all that I have told them in the past about his
I am sure they have their own dislike to him, regardless of his drinking and things that have happened in the past. But by ending things with him I will have them worry about me and question how I am doing and…
Often I will think and google up what over drinking can do to someone…
Long-Term Health Risks
Over time, excessive alcohol use can lead to the development of chronic diseases and other serious problems including:
- High blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, and digestive problems.6,16
- Cancer of the breast, mouth, throat, esophagus, voice box, liver, colon, and rectum.6,17
- Weakening of the immune system, increasing the chances of getting sick.6,16
- Learning and memory problems, including dementia and poor school performance.6,18
- Mental health problems, including depression and anxiety.6,19
- Social problems, including family problems, job-related problems, and unemployment.6,20,21
- Alcohol use disorders, or alcohol dependence.5
I don’t wish any ill on any human being, unless they are murders, rapists, terrorists etc, but there have been times when I have wished that something would happen to him due to his over drinking and he would either die or really wake up and change his life.
He can o days without drinking…I guess that wouldn’t make him an alcoholic…but then when he does have that 1 sip he can have a whole bottle or few of pure vodka in a day…so I guess that makes him an alcoholic.
Right now, there is a song that is always playing on the radio, and I just laugh and think of my husband…
And I just think how I
…yet he will keep doing it and when we talk he will either play up to me and explain what has been going on and how he hates himself for it or he will turn it around and put the finger at me and point at my faults…or he will just pamper me or sweet talk me into forgetting it all and then we will just fall into our day to day behaviors…watch tv, eat together, sleep in the same bed, give each other back massages…
I stayed in an unhappy marriage for way too long because I allowed him to convince me that I was getting what I deserved and could do no better (and I have a fear of abandonment so I stayed). The reality was the complete opposite. I have a man now who worships the ground I walk on (he says so himself). I have no regrets except I wish I had left sooner.
p.s. I’ll add you. I talk about some of the lasting trauma of leaving a narcissist and learning to accept that I am enough and I am worthy of unconditional love. I haven’t written a ton about it, but I have a few posts.
@mrsdewees what if I never find anyone afterwards. I am 37… I kinda feel that this is my story.
@ncumisa I faired better as a single mom to 6 kids than I did with my ex. I also felt more alone in my marriage than I did when I was actually on my own. If he won’t love you like you deserve, at least you can begin to love yourself. Sounds cliche, but its true.
@ncumisa I support what all the other responders wrote: you should dump his sorry ass, get a new life for yourself, and even if you never find someone new (and 37 is damned young; I didn’t find my love until I was 63), you’ll be so much happier on your own. You can have your own home, your own schedule, your own friends, spend the money the way you want, and not have to listen to him disparage you.
@ravdiablo Thank you for your kind words.
@mrsdewees – it is so hard to believe all that! I wish I had the guts to just follow through with what I know I should do and what I do in a way want to do, to end things and move on without him.
@mrsdewees – you have been on OD for awhile and have a lot of posts so please bare with me while I read back and may comment on a few very old posts. 😘
@ncumisa if you don’t have a therapist, I would try and find one (if finances and insurance etc allow it). My therapist helped me with learning to love myself and helped me work out an exit strategy from my marriage. So awesome. If therapy isn’t doable, there are so many great podcasts and YouTube videos too for self-learning
@mrsdewees – I have a Psychiatrist I see regularly. Done the marriage counseling…I dunno.
We had a talk on Tuesday night and again last night and now things are pleasant. I am still not convinced that all is going to be okay between us…but I don’t know, I don’t see my life without him.
Last night while I was doing the dishes, he poured his remaining vodka down the drain and I just thought to myself as much as I hope this is a new start for you, you have done this before.
But maybe New Year…Fresh Start…
@ncumisa hey, no one knows what you need or want better than you do. It is good sign – but I understand the trepidation too. Alcohol is a nasty beast
@mrsdewees You are right! But these past few days have been really good between us.
I know he has been drinking. Drinking in front of me and even hiding his drinking.
I know this is horrible to say but you had the kids before youleft your ex husband. I don’t have the kids yet and that is all I want right now. I mean I am not holding on just to have kids with him, I obviously love him and have good times with him but I know deep inside it isn’t enough but a part of me is willing to hold on and thinks that he is my best and I hope we have kids and maybe things will be better. I know it is bad to think that way. But maybe kids would give me the strength to walk away if I ever need to.
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Addiction is a huge battle. Hopefully he can see the damage its doing and get some help for himself. They do say that addicts really need to want to stay sober for themselves MORE than the people around him do. Lots of luck!
@eos-2 – Thank you for your kind words.
On Sat we went to his staff lunch and of course he was drinking…I mean so was I but I controlled myself (or at least I like to think I did, I mean I felt fine afterwards and managed to drive) he drank a lot and his personality changed a lil but he was okay…on Snuday morning he woke up and like many other times he said how he hates himself after drinking and how he is going to stop…I replied how he has said that many times before. Deep down I was hoping that maybe this time when he said it, it will stick.
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