No Love….
“And my night stands are full of open Bibles uh…”
It is funny how when things are bad you turn to G-d. I remember a few years ago when I was just his girlfriend and he was my boyfriend and we had another RAW…anyway on the Sunday I woke up and felt this need to go and be with G-d so I climbed into my car and went to Hillsong Church (At the time I was trying to accept Christianity, since the man I was going to marry was Christian and I felt the need to create a roof under one church) …………………………..Anyway…so I am at Hillsong and we are worshipping and out of no where I just burst into tears….I run outside and sit on the steps and just start crying…and in my head and heart I start talking to my mommy. Because we all know that no one in the world can make you feel better than a hug from your mom.
When things are bad at home…well in my marriage I turn to G-d a bit more than normal. Is it just me looking for answers or thinking that if I did things and lived my life like he wants then my life would be better.
I got serious about Christianity for a while…but I just found the churches to be more about getting money our of their members…and about preaching holiness but then turning around and do the exact opposite….what bothers the most about Christianity or at least the divine Christians… they act so Holy and live by Jesus and live life knowing that they can do wrong, but it is okay because they love Jesus and he died on the Cross for them to atone for their sins. I mean seriously? How can you live life knowing that you do wrong but it is okay because you believe in Jesus, you go to church on Sunday and break bread…when you say Communion.
Why I have always leaned more to Judaism…besides growing up in a Jewish Family…I have always found this warmth and love in a Synagogue…something that have never felt in a Church. I believe that G-d has set laws for us and we are to follow them and live by them and write them on a door posts and wake up and say them out loud and teach them to our children and their children. And of course should we fail to keep to those laws we should expect punishment. Now G-d is our father and he loves us…so he will give us a time to repent and ask for forgiveness for our sins and lets us set aside time to give to him and only him, so he can hear our thoughts and heart.
Earlier this year I turned to Judaism and I made and Oath to myself that I will convert and become Jewish and create a Jewish home for myself and any children that I may be blessed with. Of course this has yet to happen as I can only begin next year…but I intend to, even though I know my father doesn’t believe I will…and thinks that I will just change my mind, like I have on many other things. But hardly ever does a day go by that I don’t listen to a Jewish Praise or song on You Tube…and since I cannot read/write/speak/understand Hebrew I will google the lyrics and meaning and feel the music.
“It’s a little too late to say that you’re sorry now (Yeah)
You kicked me when I was down, but what you say, just (Don’t hurt me)”
So yesterday I got this message from my husband….. “Hey, so was doing some introspection myself and i see i have put work more and work to much. And i put it before you, think its the right thing cause we need the money and i am a workerholic and i have been unfair to you as my wife. I am sorry and i wil prioritize you first so we can be happy again. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me i will make a change.”
I didn’t reply and unless he brings it up I won’t. Not once does he actually apologise and the truth of the matter is that the problem isn’t his work…it seems like her has forgotten about the things he said to me….about how he made me cry…how he ruined my birthday… yes he says I am his ‘WIFE’ but fails to mention that I am his ‘LOVE’
Right now we are not really talking to each other….we will say only what needs to be said, since we live together, sleep in the same bed, drive the same car… it is custom to wish each other a ‘Good and Blessed Day’ – so I will keep doing that G-d forbid something happens to him and I never wished him that…
“I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life I can”
Funny enough the past few days I have been feeling alive. Doing what I want and prioritising myself. Yeah, not much has changed…but it is all about me…I watch what I want to watch…I eat what I want…I have been happy the past few days….
No matter what I do or what I am I think of him and how it will affect him…and if he would like it too… But now I wonder if he ever thinks of me…obviously outside of the regular things… anniversary...when I am there…birthday… okay he does sometimes. But with me I always think about him.
“No love, and I don’t need you (No more)
Ha, bitch you get no (Love)”
I know I don’t need my husband…I have my family and myself and I can do it all. But I do love him. I do want us to work through this and make things right…I do want us to be ‘END GAME’ But maybe wanting it isn’t enough anymore…
I dunno…