Not Ready To Make Nice….
Someone on OD used song titles as titles for their entries….figured I will give it a lil try.
Forgive sounds good, Forgive I’m not sure I could, They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting….
I have forgiven my husband so many times for our arguments and his drinking and things that he has said. And even though I have Forgive him the pain still lingers and I still remember it all.
I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, still mad as gell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round
Because of the amount of crying I did last night I suffered through a piercing headache and struggled to fall asleep…had to resort to a tablet…
He woke up this morning and acted as if everything is all merry between us.
Last night while he was on a rampage I recorded the while thing….53 minutes of him repeating himself and claimed things that are not true…53 minutes of himself validating his drinking and things he has said to me….53 minutes of him blaming me for not doing enough to fall pregnant…53 minutes of him telling me I am lazy and how I am a terrible employee and he would never hire me….53 minutes of him telling me I am only concerned with money….53 minutes of him telling me he doesn’t need me….53 minutes of him questioning my love for me….53 minutes of him disregarding and brining down my family and the things they do for me…53 minutes of hearing what a terrible wife I am…
And then after it al he gets up and cooks himself supper and leaves the pork chops bones just lying on the counter….gets into the shower and then climbs into our bed as if nothing happened.
While he was in the shower I caved in and kinda opened up to my sister. Something I have been avoiding just to protect him…but I just needed support and I was prepared to hear the “I knew it…” but thankfully I never got that. My sister, as always was very supportive, but I hate to admit that I have burnt any bridge there may ever have been between my husband and sister.
She wants me to go up to her and be with our family during the Jewish New Year and to just get some love and support. But I can’t go up there….besides besides fact that my sisters aren’t talking to each other (so there is that added tension), I am in no mood to sit on a plane for 2hrs wearing a mask then to dissect my relationship and be all happy for the Jewish New Year, and then to come back home and have to face him.
I don’t know what I am going to do.
Part of my is happy that we don’t have a child or have to worry about splitting anything….should we really end of marriage…well relationship, since we are not legally married.
Fuck!!
Forgive sounds good, Forget I’m not sure I could. They say time heals everything, I’m still waiting…
I am done forgiving him.
(Not sure what that means)
Towards the end of my last relationship, I didn’t want to end things because I was accustomed to them always being there, and it being bad was better than being alone. But in hindsight, it was worse than being alone. Sometimes in those relationships, we are blind to things around us. We make excuses, we find reasons not to leave, etc.. but first and foremost.. you need to make sure YOU are happy. It’s better to end things quick and fast, and then have time to get over it, rather than draw it out in hopes that things get better. Things will get better, it just might take some time, but they will get better. I’m here if you need to talk / vent. My advice isn’t always the best, but I’m a great listener.
@cipher Any advice and all advice is greatly appreciated. After-all isn’t that what we all kinda want when we right on OD?
I know I will be fine if I leave him, but I do worry about how he will be. And I don’t know how to do it, since it is my flat and I will have to tell him to leave again. And if I do, there is no going back….and I envisioned such a joyous life with him.
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