10/13/21
He has invaded my thoughts again. I visualize interactions knowing full well that they will be minimal. My heart soars if I get any attention from him, and that’s not healthy. Crushes are fucking garbage. How in the fuck does anyone function like this? He’s just a person. This is not R by the way. R is off in his own world. This is someone else. Someone I can never have. A lot has happened since the last entry that I can’t post here.
I need to stop this cycle. I’m not in my 20s anymore. The mental butterflies are multiplying in swarms. I know I’m barely in my 30s but christ this is getting difficult to manage.
The euphoria comes and goes, and I ride it for as long as I can, but does anything ever get 100% done? I know I’m working on things, but it’s hard to focus. I know I need to get the diagnosis re-evaluated, but the med adjustment last time was so difficult. I keep forgetting to call the new doctor to get the appointment set up.
The dysmorphia is becoming a little bit easier to manage, but this weekend I had a total dysmorphic episode that made me basically useless for two days. I’ll probably continue to wear face masks for the rest of my life so I can get some peace in public. The odd thing is that TikTok has made me realize just how dysmorphic I really am. Total body dysmorphia is strange. I have days where I am just 100% in my own skin, but most of the time, it’s when I have a microdose of LSD in my system, full makeup and plenty of time to blow on taking the perfect photo. I know this isn’t healthy, but sometimes my brain just needs that break.
My current psyche doesn’t think that I need a higher dose ADD med, which is fine, but I am growing very tired of how her office operates. It’s a mess. She’s not even the psyche. She’s the practitioner. I haven’t seen an actual psyche in years. A friend gave me the number of his doctor. I’ve had it for over a month and just keep forgetting to call. I forget a lot. I forget a lot of things. Can’t even remember what to add to my calendars right after I’m off of the phone.
I made the decision to move to another state. A state with a couple of big cities, one of which is easier to afford. Smaller than where I am now, but still a pretty skyline and more opportunities. It’s hard to save money though. The payout of my PTO at the end of the year will be a great start, but debt is still debt. If Biden would just grow a pair and release us all from debt, we’d be free to just exist again.
I have so much work to do in the next five or six months. I’m getting out of here. I’m getting as far away as I can from here. I need to be around people like me. I need freedom from this no hope city.