Doing the work part 1.5

It’s almost midnight and I’m still up. I have to work in the morning,  but my brain is still in thinking mode.

I read through what a wrote earlier, something I never do, but I figure I would clear some things up a little.

I love my parents, they did the best they could in a world that is doing everything it can to kill a traditional family and what it should be. My issue isn’t about them raising me, it’s about what the world did to them and all people. I can’t and won’t speak for every man in the world, I can just speak for me.

As I said, my problem started before I even can remember. The world forced my dad to not be there as much as he could when I could have really used his influence.  I know that sounds horrible and I’m the last one to talk just based on the fact I’m not there for my boys. I was mostly raised by a loving, over protective mother who did spoil me, her last baby. She began molding me into what she thought a man should be. My female teachers reinforced this thought of what a man should be also. I never had a male teacher until well into high-school. All around me were constant reminders of what a bad guy did and what a good guy should. What I saw was my sister crying about the shit guy she was dating treating her bad and how I should never be like him. What I should have seen was the fact that she chose this asshole because he was an asshole, the “bad boy” like so many women do. The excitement of taking a rough edged guy and changing him into what you think is a good one, only to leave him for being so unexciting. You broke him and then blame him for it. Boy, that sounds familiar 🤔 I think I know someone like that.

What I’m saying is my “formative” years were filled with people who forced their ideas on me about what I should be instead of letting me be who I wanted to be. That has defined my life up until now. I’ve allowed every single friend and family member to tell me how to be me and I have done everything to please them.

Everyone’s true colors came out over these last few years and left me a shell of the man I am. Not any single one of them would even think to see their blame in what had happened to me. I can not even express to anyone what and where my mind went to during the first year after losing Patty and all the people I had lived for all the years. I realize that it sound like a made up problem to get attention,  but it happened like I have said. I lost everything and everybody in less than a day and to this day, I have no clue why. I just know or think I know my part in it all and that is my fault for giving up who I was meant to be all those years ago.

To be continued…

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2 weeks ago

it’s really good to unpack all these things.. so that u can unveil the true person in you!

2 weeks ago

Things have changed so much in the last few decades regarding people roles in life according to gender.  I know that for some, it can seem extreme or threatening, to lose any and all parameters, but I think it can also be freeing.  You speak a lot about who men are or who they’re supposed to be, who you feel you were molded into or what you felt obliged to become in life according to society and/or the people around you.  In this phase of your life, and in this time we are living in, it might be helpful for you to decide here and now what being YOU means, as opposed to what being male is.  Men come in a wide range of personalities and behaviors and values and characters.  So do women.  So do all the other people that don’t ascribe to just one or either descriptor.  I think if you focus on what being you looks like, what you believe is a good and worthy human, I’m guessing you’ll really start to get your feet under you.  Maybe even make a list of characteristics you would like to embody, whether they match more traditional male qualities or not, you can begin to envision the Colby you’d like to be for the second half?  Just my two cents, of course.  🙂

2 weeks ago

I got that you loved your parents and didn’t feel that you were talking bad about them.  Circumstances caused you to not get the attention you needed and deserved.  For my mother, it wasn’t circumstances.  She just chose to not be there for two of her children, my twin and me.