Doing the work part 1.5

It’s almost midnight and I’m still up. I have to work in the morning,  but my brain is still in thinking mode.

I read through what a wrote earlier, something I never do, but I figure I would clear some things up a little.

I love my parents, they did the best they could in a world that is doing everything it can to kill a traditional family and what it should be. My issue isn’t about them raising me, it’s about what the world did to them and all people. I can’t and won’t speak for every man in the world, I can just speak for me.

As I said, my problem started before I even can remember. The world forced my dad to not be there as much as he could when I could have really used his influence.  I know that sounds horrible and I’m the last one to talk just based on the fact I’m not there for my boys. I was mostly raised by a loving, over protective mother who did spoil me, her last baby. She began molding me into what she thought a man should be. My female teachers reinforced this thought of what a man should be also. I never had a male teacher until well into high-school. All around me were constant reminders of what a bad guy did and what a good guy should. What I saw was my sister crying about the shit guy she was dating treating her bad and how I should never be like him. What I should have seen was the fact that she chose this asshole because he was an asshole, the “bad boy” like so many women do. The excitement of taking a rough edged guy and changing him into what you think is a good one, only to leave him for being so unexciting. You broke him and then blame him for it. Boy, that sounds familiar 🤔 I think I know someone like that.

What I’m saying is my “formative” years were filled with people who forced their ideas on me about what I should be instead of letting me be who I wanted to be. That has defined my life up until now. I’ve allowed every single friend and family member to tell me how to be me and I have done everything to please them.

Everyone’s true colors came out over these last few years and left me a shell of the man I am. Not any single one of them would even think to see their blame in what had happened to me. I can not even express to anyone what and where my mind went to during the first year after losing Patty and all the people I had lived for all the years. I realize that it sound like a made up problem to get attention,  but it happened like I have said. I lost everything and everybody in less than a day and to this day, I have no clue why. I just know or think I know my part in it all and that is my fault for giving up who I was meant to be all those years ago.

To be continued…