Here we are again

It’s pushing midnight here and my damn head is at it again. Same shit, over and over. Maybe I should drink or get some weed. IDK.

Earlier I allowed myself to get roped into the guilt again with her. I know she knows that she ruined me especially financially, but she loves being able to get digs in about money and support. Seriously, she has 2 incomes. Knowing what I know about her husband, he’s a simp and is giving her all his money. He’s not just living there and she’s paying for it all. The house has no mortgage payments and she has all the equity in it. Over 75k. She got all the covid stuff and just got some tax refund for home owners in NY. Yet, it’s the miss support payment because I have to pay rent or I’m on the street, seriously, and it all starts. I paid this for him and that for them. I have bills too. All that stuff. I just don’t understand where all her bitterness and hate has come from? I have theories.

The second mind f@#$ I’m stressing about is my knees. They have gotten progressively worse and you can literally hear the pop and crackle and grind as I walk. At least several times a day my left leg just stops working and I have to catch myself. Don’t get me started on the pain. It’s not constant, but when it hurts it really hurts. So anyway, the Doc said he would do the surgery,  I’ve managed to get my surgery down and dropped a couple of pounds. I called my HR and was told all I can get is FMLA leave because I didn’t have the company short term disability  and if I was to pick it up I would have to wait close to a year and a half before I could use it. My knee is a preexisting issue. So that would only leave me at the mercy of NY short term Disability of which I would get maybe $170 a week and 3/4 of that will have to go to Patty for support. No rent, no utilities,  no gas for truck when I can drive and all for a minimum of 1 month recovery. So that’s not gonna happen. I will just have to learn that obese waddle so I don’t put too much weight on them. Come on, I know it’s a Woke world, but you have all seen the waddlers.

I’m also stressing about my life and relationship with the boys. I’ve talked to them and been reassured by them that they are OK about this all, but I just can’t allow myself to feel that and I stress with guilt that they are missing out or their lives are ruined, eventhough things are 10x better for them now then they ever were with me there.  Ah, another thing there.

I’m serious about the booze and pot. I can’t do this anymore.