May 8th

I don’t know how to write my feelings right now. My dreams betrayed me again and now I’m sitting here once again lost and feeling like a loser.

All I want is someone to talk to, preferably in person. Someone like my friends here, who will listen and not judge. I just don’t have that here. I can’t put it on my kids.

I can’t keep doing this.

This morning is one of those I can’t get out of my own head days. Why? Why after all this time, does it break me. Trying to write this as I am bawling again like it all just happened yesterday. The kids and her have all moved on from me in weeks after. She’s remarried so quickly I feel hated like all that time never mattered. So now I feel I wasted all those years and now I sit here wasting space.

I want to talk to her. I just want to hear her say that she just appreciated all the years, but… Just something instead of this treatment as if I never existed. Actually I wish anyone would say something,  but everyone doesn’t even text me a ” how are you?”

I’m not a man, not in any fashion. I’m just a lost 51yr old man-child no one wants to be around.