Not happy

I found myself starting to hate me last night. Not a I wish I was dead kind of hate, but a I hate what I have become hate.

Let’s get something, I never really knew what it was I wanted to be. I was just a carefree kid until I wasn’t.

As most are aware here, I just wanted a family. Wanted to raise my kids traditionally. I spent years building that dream for my ex, them, and myself. Then I was pushed away from all of it.

I guess instead of stepping aside for the benefits of my children and my unfortunate love of me ex, I should have got fight into the mud and fought for what I wanted no matter who got hurt.

I did what I thought a loving person should and I have been reminded daily that I fucked up. I already know I couldn’t win either way.

So what happened last night? It finally hit me I am no longer my kid’s father. I mean I am biologically their father, but I’m a really good friend. Not quite a best friend, but the friend you know you can totally count on.

On its surface that sounds like a great relationship, but there’s a huge difference to feeling your dad is your father then just dad.

I guess in the end it’s all my fault. Not being able to co-parent with Patty. Not standing up for myself.

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3 weeks ago

How is it your fault??  She had an affair, she threw you out and moved another man in the next day.  I am not saying you are blameless, I don’t know, but it’s definitely not entirely your fault.  I do agree you should have stood up for yourself but at the time you really thought you were doing what was best, right?

There are many days I also don’t like myself.  But, we are stuck with ourselves so what do we do?

3 weeks ago

(hugs) it is not your fault! it is her huge loss!

2 weeks ago

You have a family, you have created children that are half you.  You aren’t alone.