Not happy

I found myself starting to hate me last night. Not a I wish I was dead kind of hate, but a I hate what I have become hate.

Let’s get something, I never really knew what it was I wanted to be. I was just a carefree kid until I wasn’t.

As most are aware here, I just wanted a family. Wanted to raise my kids traditionally. I spent years building that dream for my ex, them, and myself. Then I was pushed away from all of it.

I guess instead of stepping aside for the benefits of my children and my unfortunate love of me ex, I should have got fight into the mud and fought for what I wanted no matter who got hurt.

I did what I thought a loving person should and I have been reminded daily that I fucked up. I already know I couldn’t win either way.

So what happened last night? It finally hit me I am no longer my kid’s father. I mean I am biologically their father, but I’m a really good friend. Not quite a best friend, but the friend you know you can totally count on.

On its surface that sounds like a great relationship, but there’s a huge difference to feeling your dad is your father then just dad.

I guess in the end it’s all my fault. Not being able to co-parent with Patty. Not standing up for myself.

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January 21, 2023

How is it your fault??  She had an affair, she threw you out and moved another man in the next day.  I am not saying you are blameless, I don’t know, but it’s definitely not entirely your fault.  I do agree you should have stood up for yourself but at the time you really thought you were doing what was best, right?

There are many days I also don’t like myself.  But, we are stuck with ourselves so what do we do?

January 21, 2023

(hugs) it is not your fault! it is her huge loss!

January 24, 2023

You have a family, you have created children that are half you.  You aren’t alone.