Rambles

I haven’t counted the days (386 if I did) since it all went to hell. I want out of the dark lonely friendless hole I am in. I realize the work I need to put in to get out of it. I am angry at the world and God because of the position I am in. Never thought the close people I held so dear all these years would leave me and the distant ones would try to be there.

As anyone can guess I am lonely. Some people live for what I have, but I never wanted this. I know I am not a great father, but I tried. I gave my all trying to make her fell special and the kids were an extension of her, my love of her. Long after the boys had gone with families of their own, she was going to still be there. Now she isn’t. She is someone else’s future plan and I am left wondering, even more so, that I will be alone until I die.

I figure because of my distance to them, my kids will put me in a home at the first sign of difficulty. I will relive the pain of being alone in a crowd again and die with the regrets of not “ending” it back when at least there would have been some impact to the deed.

I hear all the time about “what the future holds” and “it gets better” but, I am a realist and I have lived in this body 48 years. I have watched it fall apart and tried to repair it so many times and there is only so much left. The hard parts that don’t break easy, but they’re the ugly parts no one wants. People are shallow. The whole lie about personality gets relationships is BS. If a troll came to you with beautiful gifts and flowery words you would see a troll. Who wants to be with a troll?