Self hate
Well I once again jumped the gun yesterday (refer to my earlier post) that’s more than likely going no where and cost money I should have just lit on fire.
There has been one truth I hold to after 40+ years. I hate myself. Yes, I truly hate myself. I am my biggest bully, critic, and hater. I have constantly caused my own unhappiness and despair. I have unknowingly ruined relationships with family and friends. I have given in to unhealthy habits that have stolen my looks and what so called confidence I may have had. It’s no wonder I am alone…
Instead of grieving the loss of my marriage, I should be happy I was given all the years. I should be happy that Patty found happiness after the 20 years of dealing with me. Deep down I regret that my kids have me as a father.
I don’t know what evil curiosity keeps me from suicide, but I am having a real hard time coming up with reasons to stay around. I don’t get swayed by the argument that my kids need me. I loved both my parents but, their presence never influenced my choices. By the way this separation has been I seriously doubt mine does to my kids either.
Every little ” selfish ” thing I do for myself comes with a big price. The little satisfaction is so not worth it.
My counselor calls my way of thinking catastrophic, that may be so, but 99% of my life has some how gone to shit without me lifting a single finger. Maybe tonight I can stop the curiosity..
I thought about you all night sir. Well, you and music. I still don’t know what to say. Still here I am writing this. I’m probably going to sound like a hypocrite because I am still not over her leaving me. In my case it’s not a wife but someone I cared about maybe too much. When she left the first time I should have taken the hint and moved on. Although I sent her three letters and then a long while after we started talking over text. And then we started hanging out in public. But one day she brought her new client with her to meet with me because she was on the job that day. I tried to talk to both of them but I just ended up feeling like the third wheel. I started to cry and then when she went to say goodbye to me I punched her. Then a couple months later we got into a argument over the phone. And she said, “goodbye, don’t ever call me again!” She said this all with her daughter in the background. It sucks being so close to someone trying to rekindle a relationship because of broken feelings in the first place and then having it blow up in your face not once but twice. I used to love this woman. I use to go over to her house hang out with her kids and just have fun. There were lots of laughs. Now I just chalk my pain up to oh I was younger than her. Oh we were too similar in nature. I just know it’s kind of hard to put my life out on the line for people nowadays. The pain doesn’t go away hon it’ll linger in less you’re one of those people to just keep moving. Sometimes people hurt people its life. Sometimes people can make people feel better. To put my story into context that woman was also my caregiver I am in a wheelchair and need extra help. I don’t know if all my rambling will help you, sir, but I hope you choose to breathe.
@theinbetween2020 thank you. It’s been through the kindnesses of strangers that I am still here.
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