The panic attack

I once again had a panic attack Sunday night. Like the thought of going back into the past and killing a butterfly that will somehow change the future, my attack could be one of a hundred reasons.

My visit with my son. It was over before it began. Dropping him home to the house I used to own, my inheritance, and being surrounded by his brothers, my 4 sons, ripped my heart apart.

Sitting in a parking lot sobbing. Calling and texting people I thought and was told, would be there, only to never get any answers or return calls.

Once again making myself believe that Patty has some form of caring for me, at least as the father of her children, only to once again be reminded that no one ever really loved me and the ones that did are all dead now.

Getting the automated call from the electric company telling me that my electricity will be turned off by week’s end, knowing that I will absolutely have no money to even put down on some sort of agreement. I have rent to pay, which is more than what I bring home. Child support. Gas so I can go work to make the money. I have to somehow have food for the boy’s visit this weekend also. I gross too much for social service help but bring home far less than what I need to live on…  Thank God there isn’t inflation, what would I do if the costs of everything went up when my check seems to go down?

I thought I was a good person. Yes, I lied and did a couple of bad things when I was a younger man. Nothing arrest worthy or life-altering, but I did them. Why is it that I have constantly been pushed into the mud these last few years? Why did I lose everything in a day? Why is it that with everything I have done so far, the therapy, the “mindfulness”, the apologizing to people who hurt me, why am I still being f#@%ed every single day?