The struggle

For the last several days I have been really trying to rethink life. Accept that what I had and wanted is gone for good. Even if I could go back to her and fix our family, it’s gone. So, I’m trying to figure out how to remake me.

I want to stop worrying. Seriously,  I worry about EVERYTHING. The news doesn’t help, the internet doesn’t help.

I want to stop feeling so guilty about things I had no control over. This whole divorce and all the fallout it has caused has left me feeling like it’s all my fault. No one, absolutely no one, has made any sort of effort to regret their part in it all. People have said some very hurtful damaging  things to me when it was apparent I was (am) suffering with all of this. I’ve said it before, all I ever wanted was a hug and “it’s ok, I’m here for you.”

Now, I just want to live alone from almost everyone. I want to be the man I remember my great uncle Bob was. Just laid back. Morning was a cup of coffee and a smoke. Some gardening, some puttering, a visit down at the bar. Now, I know there was so much more in his life. Good, bad, and all. It’s just the peaceful man he became. I want to find that peace.

I want to find a certain type of job before I have to take anything. I essentially want something that I can do alone with minimal management. And, I don’t want it to come home with me. I almost had that with my last one. I could lose myself in my office,  deal with my customers or go outside and do inventory or organize stock and I never once was told what to do. Of course as I unfortunately found out, it didn’t matter to anyone or appreciated by anyone, because all my efforts didn’t mean dick when they put me out.

The hardest things will be giving up some technologies if I can. This phone and all the shit it does for one.

I’ve been working on accepting some very hard truths in the world, especially today’s world. I will probably never have another romantic relationship. I will have to be a divorced father to my kids. All the dreams I had are dead and gone and any thing I can think of now is way out of reach and not very possible. People will still use me and leave me. I any way I play it, I’m always going to be wrong.