Untangling the knot #1

The best way I can describe my mind anymore is just one huge over-tied knot. You know the one. It’s so tight that it’s almost easier to just cut it out, but unfortunately, I can’t get TMS therapy or electric shock, so the option of “cutting” it off isn’t an option at all.

I am really trying to put myself and my life on some sort of schedule. I admit that I have become super lazy and do nothing since the divorce. My depression and loneliness have made me not really care about anything. Mix signals on health and happiness have left me anxious and confused. The overall lookout of my life in general almost makes me feel like I am just taking up other’s resources like air, water, and food.

I have always found it hard to believe in myself, no shit huh? For example, I am paying my child support and checking my budget daily, almost hourly. Let’s just say I am doing everything to keep on top of things, but all it took was Patty bitching about the one week I missed, due to my ever-growing medical bills, and I have totally “gone off the reservation” in my head and I have stressed and been anxious all weekend about how everything is spiraling out of control.

* That all comes back to me living on my own. It’s been a horrible 4 years doing this on my own without even a whisp of help(support) from those I used to hold dear.*

I absolutely hate this, but it’s like finding yourself in a situation like jumping into deep water, knowing you can’t swim great and panicking. Sure, when you sit on the shore comfortably, you can rationally tell yourself that you need to remain calm and not flail about in that circumstance, but we all know that’s the farthest thing from your brain when you’re in the “shit”.

Sharp turn

I’ve been going down the MGTOW and feminist rabbit holes lately. These YouTubes and tic-toks are all over the place. I have noticed a common theme in them. Have you ever noticed how it seems that white women are even more aggravated about racist things than the actual race? How they cry and scream in the most “notice me” way totally making it all about them? Well, I see a common trend in the MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) and feminist stuff too. I’ll explain…

• If you take the time to watch these videos you’ll notice that these are all done by “pretty people”. The man preaching MGTOW is so good-looking and put together that people fall over themselves to be around him. He probably has never been alone unless he has chosen to be. The same thing is true for the gorgeous feminist who talks of not needing a man although they get their pick of hundreds of guys who will hand over their life savings to just have her on his arm. Yet, these people will tell you that “doing you” and going your own way is the best thing ever. They have absolutely no clue what it’s like for the rest of us schlubs. How we need companionship or at least some people in our lives.

Or maybe it’s just me? I can no longer live with myself alone anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I do “like myself”, but I am sick of constantly having life seem to take a crap on me and not having anything to show for it. I have put forth the effort, although it seems as though I haven’t, to get my life in order, only to constantly be used, lied to, or ruined by others. I don’t want to be an agoraphobic hermit, but life just wants to make me so. Why? What have I done or put out into the world to be treated as such? Besides getting down on myself, I am probably the nicest, most helpful, and most genuine person you could meet. Do I have to become the type of person I hate to get on in life?